playfulmama

check it out....

2007-10-06T07:04:00.000-07:00

this sad little blog that has NEVER been updated or changed will be resting peacefully now.... thank you playfulmama, you were a patient friend.

you can keep reading (all 3 of you) at www.kindnessgirl.com

recycle christmas...

2007-10-04T01:16:00.001-07:00

in case you do not know, you should be thinking about christmas right now. christmas is in full swing at costco, it's practically nipping at our noses people.

this makes me laugh because ever since i was a little girl, i have thought about christmas in august and september but not enough to actually buy or do anything. it's more of a fantasy of holiday preparation (just the parts i like of course) and then when it actually comes i tell myself i'm too tired and we should keep it simple.

after some mild obsessing over our local thrift stores, i have a brilliant idea. i think we are having a mostly recycled christmas. i say mostly as to not get all into the rules but keep it fun. if there is something new i really want to buy for my loves, i will.

i recently realized my kids do not care if something is new- they are just thrilled with whatever the thing is. this has become so common that i think they are starting to forget things come in packages.
let's face it- when you can get a very new looking kids trek bike (with the agee's sticker) for $25 it's gotta be better than the crappy wal-mart bike i can barely afford right?

or as a kid when you really believe that the green chuck taylor's you found will make you run faster and jump higher all for $5...this is a good life.

every visit is like a treasure hunt and i love finding a good deal. what i realized is that there are plenty of nice things (even formerly expensive) that have barely been used. i like to think of it as the ultimate handy me down from the rich relatives.
it feels much less icky on the consumerism monster end and somewhat green even though we are still label shopping. the kids were into it so i think we are good.

so let the recycle christmas begin...

morning regret....

2007-10-02T11:24:00.000-07:00

ughhh....have you ever had a conversation where you are absolutely sure you said all the wrong things? i had this very kind last night. i so desperately wanted to relieve the person's pain or find a way out, my power of suggestion was in overdrive. not to mention i barely know the dear soul.

i think this was the time i was supposed to just listen. sometimes you have to let grief or a problem just sit in the air, this is very hard....especially when the person is so dear. if you are reading, so sorry dear friend. i will come to coffee with duct tape over my mouth next time, i swear.....

things i want to remember when i'm old...

2007-09-28T18:05:00.000-07:00

1. how lucy called everyone "mami" like a true latin girl.

2. josiah and jack's deep love for neighborhood friends, especially bo.

3. how jorge went to every parent night by himself- everyone probably thought he was the perfect single dad. or maybe the women fantasized that he was a dreamy widower.
anyway, he knows all the homework routines and the soccer schedule.

4. how jack laughed when i chased him. his pitch higher than that of a young school girl. it made me laugh so hard i almost peed my pants every time.

5. how lucy greeted and said goodbye to her brothers and papa.
"bye 'siah, have good day! lub you!"
"hi jackie-boy! how was day?"
at bedtime- "goo-night 'siah, goo-night jackie. lub you. sweet dreams."

6. how horrified we were when josiah came home and said he wanted to join the cub scouts. it was then that i realized just how flaming liberal we truly are.

7. how jackie-boy is almost just like a muppet, how endearing we felt this quality was. how it became increasingly clear he needs ot or something.

8. how josiah rides his bike at every waking chance, how fun it is to ride with him even if it is only in the alley.

9. how many new friends have popped up here and there. people i knew before but suddenly were all around me in new ways.

10. how beautiful the nature was where i lived, how every day there was an opportunity for it to fill my soul.

3 guys i dig...

2007-09-22T18:47:00.000-07:00

here are 3 guys that i have been swoonin' over lately...

1. ira glass - how can you not love the man of this american life ? especially after last week's episode when he actually considers leaving his career to go play professional poker after only playing the game a half a dozen times. i heart ira!
the first act of this episode had me crying the entire way home from the grocery store the other day.

2. jake lyell- jake travels the world as a documentary photographer. his voice brings both compassion and sheds light on the social issues of poverty stricken countries. he just came back from china, you can read all about it here.

3. ron stoppable- kim possible is hands down the best cartoon on t.v., seriously, you will never get sick of this show...every one needs a little ron (and rufus for that matter) in their life. so sad the series recently aired it's finale. good ole' ron saved the world.

the stylist who helped me cut the lawn....

2007-09-21T14:01:00.000-07:00

i woke up early last saturday, jorge was recovering from working late and a short trip to buddy's after. i was a little bit pissed actually....see the best part of moving to the city is that you DON'T have to do yard work. you get to plant flowers in boxes and put pretty pots on your steps.
no fuss no muss...but when you move a mile away to the ONLY part of the city that is a little suburbish ,you have a lawn.
it makes no sense but i can't explain it because i don't want weirdos from the internet at my front door so you'll just have to trust me.

we happen to be awful at yardwork , there are just so many other more fun things to do on the weekend. like go out for breakfast at perly's, lounge in bed and read with all the windows open, play mama slam, go exploring at the river, ride bikes, you get the idea.

the problem is it matters in my swanky neighborhood where we continue to look at each other wondering how we got here in the first place. our little house dwelling among the giants around it. so i am the lawn service, the landscaper, the guy with the big blower on his back.
where do you get one of those things anyway?

i am the only hope in my family to get anything like this sort of thing done, the others could care less, they are blowing me kisses while they ride away on their bikes. i'm such a sucker. so in hopes of not being the loser on the street who brings everyone's property value down, i schlep out my sad little push lawn mower every other saturday.

on this particular day i had some trouble getting the mower started, i primed, i pulled, i pulled, i jerked, i pulled, no luck. along comes a lovely gay couple who had given me a very chilly hello the week before. i wasn't offended, i only saw a challenge approaching, i must win these older gay men in their 50's/60's over. the dog too....

me: "oh! i'm so sorry, am i in your way?" (as i quickly move my lawn mower off the side walk)
man#1: (with a heavy german accent) "it's fine, it's fine, don't worry."
man #2: a slight glare my way (i smile back)
they continue on their way, i keep trying to get my mower started.
man #1: "do you need help?"
man#2: slight groan of annoyance
me: "oh, it's fine, i think i can get it but thank you so much!"
man#1: "no, i'm going to help you, you are a girl."

i chuckle...

man#2: "argghhhh, no, we have no time for this! come!"
man#1: "no, we should help her, she's a girl. i will help her."

i was dying inside, they were so funny, the pair. how they openly discussed if they should help me or not and the reason being i'm a girl. his big and strong hands got the mower started in 2 seconds flat and they were on their way.

then i found out this little tid bit today from a neighbor who was longing for a new haircut-
apparently my knight in shining armor's reluctant friend is garren. THE garren of garren's in nyc. i guess they come to relax in richmond on the weekends.
there is no time for helping girls trying to mow their OWN lawns, we must cut jennnifer's, madonna's and gweneth's hair. all for $700 a pop. i liked his no nonsense self...i'm still gonna win his heart, even if he is a grumpy old gay hair stylist! i think i got his kind partner already....

lessons in kindness...

2007-09-19T18:54:00.000-07:00

Lessons in kindness can be found in the most unexpected places. The teachers are grocery store clerks, baristas and small children. The classrooms are elevators, doctor’s office waiting rooms and even the nascar races. Every time I think I know when or where she will show up, she always surprises me.

I can’t even tell you the boy’s name. We were passing out coupons for big televisions, bonded by hyper materialism and the American dream. How can any person live in this country with out a 52” HD TV?

I don’t even know how we got into the work of kindness, the stream of conversation went from mba’s to his marketing job to job satisfaction….ah yes, job satisfaction which lead to what we really want to do with our lives. His story began…

This guy and a friend started up a non-profit while in college for inner city kids. He started volunteering for the United Way but quickly realized he wanted have a more direct impact. The United Way is all well and good but his ideas were big, he needed to try them out. Ideas like taking 65 kids to MEET Tiger Woods, hauling kids to basketball games and the local jail. The message being you can be the golf pro not just the caddy, you can manage the dome, not just clean it, you can be the police officer, not the thug locked up.

This was mixed with their own curriculum these guys wrote, movie nights at the crappy community center in the hood, pick-up games and help with homework. The pair organized quickly and filed the myriad of papers that is required for the government to deem you legit. They relentlessly invited the local community to give and sucked the non-profit angle dry. All while working (traveling the country at nascar races with a marketing team) and finishing up his mba. He was a clean cut, cute, together African American young man living his own best dream.

I kinda laughed at the universe, she paired us together. Who would expect such a kindness expert to be passing out coupons next to the girl who is only working as a promotional model to pay for the u-pic sunflowers that she is dying to deliver as part of her larger guerilla kindness scheme? I peppered him with questions, never imagining that maybe I could start my own non-profit. Maybe someone will give me money to spread kindness in the world. Is that dream too big, too far from my reach? He made it seem like such a possibility, almost an everyday ordinary option.

I had a feeling he wasn’t ordinary, he was quite amazing actually. But this is what kindness is, it is extraordinary in every form on every level. From delivering hand-picked sunflowers to meeting tiger woods to paying someone’s toll… to the lesson’s learned by the boy whose name I’ll never know.

being small...

2007-09-11T15:05:00.000-07:00

"maybe it's not so bad being small mama.", jack said while his feet dangle from the park bench.

"really? you think so, why is that buddy?" said the mother wondering where the boy's thoughts are heading.

"because sometimes you can do big things mama, even if you are small." said the boy with the big heart....

this little gem has stayed with me working it's way into my heart. his wisdom spoken over and over again in my head.
i've noticed my world getting smaller, quieter. it's a well deserved rest from trying to live someone else's dream and discovering mine has been here all along. i was losing the small, the simple, the part of me that found happy in the everyday. playing with my children, picking fruit and flowers, lighting kitchen altar candles, writing the ideas that come from my soul, my kindness work...

the work of saving the world is all around. even the smallest acts of kindness
are the big things my little sage speaks of.

it is here i find my perfect peace...

Sociology 101

2007-09-09T02:21:00.000-07:00

Things I learned working for circuit city at the races this weekend as a promotional model (model term used loosely as i am SO not model material):

1. People LOVE big t.v.'s.

2. People are more approachable in a smaller crowd.

3. It's easier to be blown off in a large crowd.

4. Good eye contact and a smile- they almost always say "yes".

5. A little advice for guys- sweet pick-up lines go so much further than the nasty ones.

6. Farmer tan lines are the worst thing on god's green earth.

7. I have never been hit on by so many men with so few teeth.

8. Nascar is big business, sports marketing is very interesting.

9. People watching is fun- especially at nascar.

10. Everybody should have something fun in their lives.

first day...

2007-09-04T08:09:00.001-07:00

brother love on the first day of first grade...

happy birthday my friend...

2007-08-31T10:45:00.000-07:00

some guerilla goodness in honor of a dear friend...this is a nice post about her.

this is her bench at a little park in richmond...

my flower read...

The boy and his heart had become friends, and neither was capable now of betraying the other.

The Alchemist

exactly what i needed...

my brother's keeper...

2007-08-29T17:41:00.000-07:00

i guess it was 15 years ago that hurricane andrew hit the home i grew up in....i can still remember what the sky looked like and how the air smelled, the sound of the wind, the faces in the room.
things were never exactly the same in homestead, florida but you could count on the people. everywhere you went, every line you stood in, everyone had a story. people just kept telling stories, for years, until so much time had past we said everything that needed to be said. we talked and we worked, other people came and they listened and worked along side us.

what happens when you can't work, when no one comes, no one is there to hear your story. the story becomes longer, and more time and more hurt goes by and you are left wondering if anyone cares at all....i know this- you can't even begin to rebuild until you start telling stories and someone that cares listens, really listens...

thank you in pursuit of perfection for sharing this...

postsecret....

2007-08-27T14:42:00.000-07:00

i just found this blog today...it is like a treasure or maybe a secret that should be shared... and i feel the same way about mother teresa... peace to you, safe travels home in 75 days...

i've decided....

2007-08-25T17:49:00.000-07:00

i don't want a big house...i don't want nice furniture...i don't want any more stuff...i just want a photo booth. my very own to sit in my living room or hall, everything is better and more magical in a photo booth....

soooo 10 years ago....

2007-08-24T19:40:00.001-07:00

it's soooo 10 years ago.....but the question is - does it look 10 years ago?
i'm tryin' to get some promotional gigs to help cover the bills these days. not exactly the bikini rum girl kind of the 18-25 year old variety, it's more the "would you like a sample of the latest herbal shampoo?". jorge convinced me i only have to look cute in short shorts, a brand t-shirt and baseball cap. this i can pull off, anything more- i'm toast.

i've been searching craigslist daily for something mindless, not a regular gig and decent money. the problem is i need 2 decent pictures of myself, actually i probably need headshots. there's no way in hell i'm paying for headshots for a job that will pay for preschool tuition and soccer registration, come on!

so while i try to decide if i'm fit enough to pass out snicker marathon energy bars, these are the two pics that made the final cut. let's hope they don't laugh at the 10 year difference....

mama-slam championship

2007-08-22T08:27:00.000-07:00

summer is almost over....i'm so bummed.

to end it properly we are having the 1st ever mama-slam championship. it's a 3 day event with the winner choosing the pizza place of choice for dinner this weekend- they will choose cici's, mine would be bottom's up.
mama-slam is a wrestling, tickling sort of game that was started when jorge had his knee surgery last year. jorge played "blue-guy" (i have no idea how that name came about) everyday since the beginning of children time so we had to find some sort of replacement when he was out for a few months. i think it was started because we could possibly have the most gentle children in america- i actually heard jack apologize to a tree yesterday. it was my husband's kind way of boyin' them up and getting out some energy.

mama-slam stuck....i will say it is starting to get more brutal, they are getting stronger in their tag team tactics.

last night's round goes to the kids....i'm comin' back tonight. i'm hoping to recruit lucy but she's only like half a wrestler right now.

wish me luck!

his eye is on the sparrow...

2007-08-20T09:55:00.000-07:00

my mom in india in 2006

the weather is ever changing in my own spiritual atmosphere, i have found it stormy and unstable lately. some days i wonder if there really is a personal god and others i am fully embracing the comfort of the divine, i won't even attempt to explain.
my mother however, is steadfast and grounded. i have thought of her all week as she is traveling in the sudan.
when talking on the phone the other day she wondered aloud....

m:"i think i might get there and cry the whole time."
me: "that's okay mom, maybe that's what you will need to do."
"you can trust yourself mom, you will know what to do and how to be."

and then i came across this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P1w5BbCsZqA

i started thinking about the people of sudan and all they have endured, i thought about all the times in my life i have heard someone sing that hymn. people with deep grief, sadness, painful stories.
people that claimed the hope, the words, the promise that something greater than yourself has you in his/her heart even on the darkest day. i thought about my mom, being some divine portion in the flesh. i can only imagine what she is taking in, and how some sudanese woman is becoming her constant friend.

the girls voices are powerful and strong, their playful spirits sound free....may the god of my mother, may the divine mother, may allah watch my mom and those she loves in sudan this night....his eye is on the sparrow.

Lucy-girl...

2007-06-30T03:50:00.000-07:00

This is Lucy.
Lover of "poppy-cles"(popsicles), waterslides too big for her and her mama's hip.
She orders her brothers to come and says, "that's nice" when she hugs you or rubs your head.
She breaks out into total hysterics at any sign that i might refuse anything in her little head. she must protest first and then accept with an "okay."
Puppy dogs fill her dreams- all sizes, shapes and colors.
She is a magnet to messes, especially those involving water and any kind of cup.
Clothes are tolerated but just barely, a nudist colony would be preferred.
She waves and says hello or hola to almost all she meets.
There might not be even an ounce of fear in this child's heart.
She is our light and joy...

overheard...

2007-06-22T07:43:00.000-07:00

trashtalk: i often hear josiah tell himself (and sometimes jack) "who's the man now?" when he scores big at a video game.

overheard this morning (along with video game sounds/music): "who is the mama now?"

guilty pleasures of the summer...

2007-06-21T14:09:00.000-07:00

the last crazy purchase made with the last paycheck
yes, you can come over....adults too!

the candy coated i-can't-believe-i-LOVE-this CD music of the summer
jorge and the kids are too busy listening to this

obsessed with recipes for this

wish i was drinking this every night
(thank you jen)

just reading this site makes me feel a little cooler - these artists/writers are SO out of my league!
seriously, buy a book/t-shirt combo- you can feel cool too!

taking walks/runs at this very peaceful park

summer solstice...

2007-06-08T09:34:00.000-07:00

summer solstice is an invitation for lightning bug catching. the lasting sunlight allows little hands to see what they are trapping even before the luminescent magic. there must be one more mason jar in the recycling bin, god only knows where the lid could be.
lucy wanders the backyard in only her bloomers, her dress was traded long ago for a cool breeze and shade courtesy of the towering old trees in our backyard.

backyard....i was sure we would not be returning to anywhere with a backyard a year ago but i should have known better.

jorge and i have moved 7 times in 9 years. around a year and a half we get an itch, it's a call to see something new, to experience another way to live. i've lived in the city, in the suburbs, in the projects (kinda), in the up and coming neighborhood. each place held a different kind of space that allowed growth and new discovery-sometimes joyous, sometimes painful. i don't mind moving really, it has given us the constant gift of a fresh start.

i will admit that when casing out a new place i am way too busy looking for claw foot tubs and arched doorways to notice if there is a dishwasher or central air. i am my mother's daughter, i can make almost anything work. i've lived this way for years. pretty has always trumped functionality.

our last impulsive move was to a lovely old row house with 12 ft. ceilings, huge columns and parlor doors, it was all the charm a girl could ever have imagined. it was 3 blocks from restaurants, mom-and-pop shops, the library and park; it was perfect in so many ways. we walked everywhere, i gave my kids speeches about being "city boys" and checking the alleys. it was a happy year and a half. the house held such soul and character, i laid in bed at night imagining who lived there and what stories could be.

i had trouble relaxing there and could never quite figure out why. maybe it was the old wood floors that gave us splinters or tired, worn out circuits making us choose between a/c or washing clothes, perhaps everything was busier- my work, my ideas, my mind.
it feels as if four weeks ago was a different time and life altogether. jorge had a different job, i worked, kids went to school, we all slept in a big bed together... it is summer now and we moved only a mile away to a small brick rancher with half the charm but everyone seems a little more at peace. the boys are outside on the "playground" as they call it or holed up in their room creating magnificent recycled art all day long.

lucy has her own room to sing in and dump toys all over. jorge and i bought a bed- my first ever- the kind with swirly rod iron and pretty sheets. it's a lot of change in a short time and i'm not sure i have found my way or my place yet. i am searching and settling in...the one thing i do know is that everything can be different again in a year. i hope i can find and soak in all the joy that is here.

backseat driver...

2007-05-04T04:10:00.000-07:00

jack's (age 4) advice while driving yesterday:

jack:
"mama, don't look down, okay. just look through the glass so we don't clash (crash)."
me:
"gotcha buddy, i'll do my best."

when kindness rains...

2007-05-02T18:13:00.000-07:00

i wrecked my truck today...*sigh* this is my second accident in 5 years. i have decided i am a horrible driver. i think i was going the speed limit, i wasn't talking on my phone, the music wasn't loud...i think my mind just took me away for just a bit. the return left me creaming into the car in front of me, a lovely infiniti g20, my monster tahoe crushed it. her entire back end was in the back seat, i felt horrible.

there is a bright spot in all of this mangled mess...kindness showed up. she made herself ever present reminding me of all that is important and true. lucy, me and the woman i hit walked away without scratches.
kate, a friend from jack's preschool was close behind and stopped. lucy went right into her arms and laid her head on her chest. i would have told you she must have been an angel. she gathered lucy and picked up jack, there was no wandering toddler to corral while trying to keep my tears collected in their ducts.

the officer charged me with the lesser charge of following too closely...

officer: maam', i think you can just get traffic school for this charge, no points on your license.
have you been to driving school before?
me: (head hung) actually yes. like 4-5 years ago
officer: oh, don't worry, you were a juvenile then so it doesn't count
me: well, no, i was an adult (with 2 children no doubt) but thank you for saying that.
officer: well come to court and i'll try to help you okay?
me: thanks alot...

then a woman and her daughter came with cold water for all.
"i'm just glad you all are okay honey!" i must have looked very young today or maybe very pathetic.

and then the big dog showed up. you must know this first: my husband LOVES cars. he treats them like friends, more than just mere objects that get us from point A to point B.
we climb in the car at the end of the ordeal.

me: i just crash all our cars.
him: no babe, just the new ones. (i need this humor, we laugh)
me: no seriously, what if we get sued?
him: what are they gonna take, we have no money and besides,
are they gonna take you away?
me:no
him: are they gonna take josiah, jack or lucy away?
me:no
him: what do we need to be happy?
me: (crying now) each other?
him: we have everything we need to be happy babe, it's okay...it's okay

me: our crazy love makin' fest is over now huh...
him: nah, you just have a big debt to make up for now.

jorge took the rest of the day off during the busiest week of his entire year to take care of all the details- call the wrecker and insurance, rent me a car, finish my errands...

this is what it is like when kindness rains on a overcast day...

encounters of a stranger kind...

2007-04-24T15:27:00.000-07:00

i love encounters with strangers...maybe it's that i was never taught the proper stranger danger as a kid or that my mother was constantly engaging strangers my entire childhood. grocery store clerks, cab drivers, people waiting in line at the post office, my mother could have your life story in 3 minutes flat. there is something about her face that invites your story.

i am exhilarated by the fact for just a moment you are connecting with no knowledge of the past or the future. these are often the purest moments in life. this week the universe graced me with the youth of the city. it left me laughing and feeling hopeful...

a young (maybe 16) african american kid knocked on my door. he was selling/scamming magazine subscriptions for "points". we banter and match witty remarks for a few minutes before we get down to business. he was slick, so slick and smart, i barely stood a chance.

me: okay, so is there anyway i can support you BESIDES buying a magazine?

him: buy a magazine for a friend! it's more than paper and print ms. patience, it's my future...

me: yeah, so i gotta question. do you wanna sell magazines forever, i mean, do you want to move up in this "corporation"?

him: oh no ma'am, i wanna be an actor.

me: so what are you doing to make that happen?

him: awww...i don't know, i'm just hopin' i'm gonna knock on somebody's door that's important ya know?

me: yeah, they are gonna see how smooth you are and give you an opportunity right?

him: yeah! exactly!

me: huh, okay....so i'm not gonna buy a magazine but i got somethin' better for you. hold on...

him: hey, you gotta a beer in there? just kidding, how about a water.

me: no problem

i run inside and grab a paper and pen and scribble down the information for this. why i am still promoting this movie i do not know. it's like a mother who loves you even if you treat her badly. (or poorly for that matter)

me: okay d*****, do you have access to the internet?

him: uhhh...yeah.

me: write these guys and tell them you want to read for the lead role.

him: what?

me: it's a small movie about race relations in the south.

him: it's a racist movie?

me: (laughing) no, it's a movie about how white people and black people interact. it's gonna be good man.

he takes the paper, smiles and walks away. he looked a little disappointed in the lack of a sale and surprised that an unimportant white housewife bears a gift of scratch paper with the hope of possibilities. even if it is a small one...

and then there was this little gem of a stranger exchange...

i was unloading groceries today when i saw a teenage girl in a school uniform walking on the sidewalk towards me. i figured she goes to the catholic girl's school nearby and was walking home.

her: excuse me, do you happen to have any romaine lettuce in your fridge i can buy for $5?
(i kid you not, actually happened)
me: mmm, let me check.
will baby romaine work?
her: oh yeah, here (she starts to pull money out of the pocket of her button down shirt.)
me: yeah, i'm not taking your money. just the fact that you even asked makes you my kind of girl...have a great day.

i wish i had asked what she needed it for. i couldn't even make this stuff up it's so good...

may your week be full of unexpected enocounters with interesting strangers.

some mother somewhere...

2007-04-17T11:42:00.000-07:00

i held a boy almost too big for my arms this morning. josiah buried his face in my chest and let out a long cry. i assured him it's good to cry, that feelings like to be free. the ones that are bottled up hate it and find other ways to sneak out.

today the tears are a result of being scared, afraid that he'll never remember the 7 facts about squid. it's been all about squid here- squid art, squid books, even pin-the-tentacle on the squid game. it's just too much for a 7 year old, a 30 minute presentation pretending to be the teacher. the burden weighs on josiah's mind and heart.
i suggest squid power pancakes as they are magic. if you eat them you will remember all that you need to know about squid and be able to tell anyone and everyone about their amazingness. i kiss these tears and an agreement is made that it is indeed time for the power pancakes can bring.

my puffy eyed boy runs to take a bath and i start my day of 1 million tasks.
i have a hard time focusing. i imagine there is some other mother somewhere not far from me that is starting her day. Only this mother is wishing that yesterday was simply a nightmare and surely her sweet boy is anxious about a presention he must make for his professor. instead she attends convocations, in shock and numb. how will she face today without that boy, how can he be gone?

even further away yet another mother faces a deeper dark. her son's pain and action changed people's lives forever. the weight is too great for anyone to bear and i can not pretend to know what will keep her soul from drowning.

i can only imagine that these women wish today was the day they were holding little boys almost too big for their arms. the day where pancakes heal the aches of the soul, the day where fears can be conquered with kisses and tears.

the candle on my kitchen altar still glows from yesterday. the holy mother stares at me while i do the dishes. her face knows great pain and sadness. may she hold these mothers close to her bosom, may she come to them in their deepest dark, may she grant them comfort and peace. amen

for jarrett's mom

there's always hope...

2007-04-10T12:37:00.000-07:00

here is a great overview of hope for richmond and our work towards racial healing...

evergreen...

2007-04-07T20:09:00.000-07:00

i can't even begin to understand the history of this city i live in. i was almost disgusted by it when i first came here from miami.
i knew we were moving to the south, but i had no idea that this was still so THE SOUTH.
i can vivdly remember coming home from the store during that very first week in utter shock.
"jorge, do you know they still fly the dixie flag here?"

i was dumbfounded sitting at parties and listening to college educated people from my generation explain in detail how the civil war was not about slavery. it seems to me it doesn't really matter, the south held on tight to slavery, some are still holding on to the injustice even today.

i don't like the history so i found myself trying to ignore it altogether. i would ride down monument ave rolling my eyes at the impressive statues. my side of town was everything confederate, i just couldn't bring myself to accept any of it. it was all too dark. there was nothing to accept really, it just was.

i could not however ignore the racial divide in richmond. it makes me sad, but how can it be any other way? i want to say i understand but how can a white girl of privilege ever understand? sometimes i have questions i want to ask my african american friends but i feel sheepish and am not really sure where to begin. i fear my possible ignorance will somehow overshadow the intent of my heart.
i can barely wrap my head around the idea that my race, possibly my very ancestors took a group of people from their continent, from their land, from their home. their choices, their freedoms, it appeared the very essence of being human was completely stripped and yet an entire race found a way to overcome.

there is such shame, such sadness, such regret that my family did this to yours. it makes me feel helpless that i am unable to change the past and embarrassed that i don't always know what to do about the future. i find myself just wanting to say i am so deeply sorry, and keep saying it over and over again, in my words, in my actions, in my life. i need to hear your stories, to hear your history, to be quiet and listen to even those beyond the grave.

it was snowy and quiet this morning. we went to visit the evergreen cemetery. i have no desire to ignore this past. there was a sea of green going further than my eyes could see. the forest has covered every inch trying to hide the history just under the surface. the ivy attempts to choke out the honor left on headstones of those who paved a way for so many but guys like clay simply won't allow it. he stands watch along with coffee and cigarettes, he rummages around not knowing where to begin yet still befriending the dead.

we just wander around literally tripping over grave stones. jorge stops after every stumble and clears the green so just the top of the stone can feel the light of the sun. he falls behind as there are too many to keep up. the injustice continues, and i am left wondering if it will ever end...

race-o-rama

2007-04-01T20:18:00.000-07:00

so for years my sister and brother in law have been trying to convince me to run a race. dave ran the richmond marathon a year ago. it was wicked cool, the energy, the excitement, the hope in the air. i really liked the cheering part, i have a perpetual need to be encouraging so it was like the ultimate outlet for positivity.

i've never felt a strong desire to run myself but i decided to do a local 10K. i don't really enjoy running, but i am in this 30 year old crisis thing so i've been thriving on finding new mountain tops to conquer.
the green energy quickly started to dissolve when i realized that dave and jen would be in africa the day of the race. Unexpected happenings had made my training schedule downright pathetic. i had run only once in the last 2 weeks before the race. this meant there was no way my crazy competitive self could match jorge's time of 53 minutes from last year.

everything felt too busy, no one wanted to go. it seemed like there were 20 reasons why i should bail. i was completely unprepared. no proper hydration, no laying out the race clothes, no decent night's sleep...except for the t-shirts. i was totally prepared to use my children as walking billboards for the 26,000 people there. they are so cute, who could pass on such a great opportunity for spreading political hope.

they read:

my mama
yo mama
for obama
2009

so i went, half-hearted about the whole thing (except the t-shirts). it wasn't the experience i had anticipated at all. the people barely cheered on the way. maybe the thrill was over by the time i got there or they had one too many mimosas and were tired. i plugged along until the 4th mile, i definitely hit a wall and was wishing someone was with me. i walked a little and then started a slow jog.
a really young hot black guy started to walk beside me. he was perfectly cut, you could see every muscle in his arms. i learned that just like a book fitness can not always be judged by it's cover. i leaned over and said. "hey, you should be kickin' my ass, go, run!".
he smiled and took off, i needed a me in that moment too.

i started to run and finished at 1:07 minutes, it wasn't too shabby considering. i was pleased for my first race and not too embarrassed.

the cheerleader in me felt the need to compensate for what seemed to be a lack of woo-hooing in the universe for the stragglers close to the end.
i really just wanted, no, NEEDED to see Beckey. Beckey is my dear friend who trained religiously, followed every running rule in the book, who put her entire heart and soul in the race. just a few days earlier she had hurt her ankle and was feeling such despair that she would miss the race all together. she recovered and was hoping to do it in less than 2 hours.

i was moving through my repertoire-
you are doing it!
you are almost there!
you can walk when you get home!
you did it, finish strong!
yes, you in the blue, you got it, go,go,go....

when i saw her, she was coming in well under 2 hours. i don't know what came over me. i was jumping like a total lunatic, screaming her name. "i'm so proud of you!" we hugged tight and she went on to finish the race. it was a total sister moment. i wanted to cry, she was glowing with soulful accomplishment, something i had completely missed because of my foolish pride.

i don't know if i'll run more races or not, beckey, however seems completely hooked. my soul has much more work to do on the matter. i will happily make t-shirts and woo-hoo for beckey and those like her in the meantime.

housewife dream rejection...

2007-03-27T10:02:00.000-07:00

warning- this is a sad post for dreamers (with a hopeful ending)

so i've always had this secret dream to be an actress. i did sing climb every mountain in my sixth grade graduation play and that's a crazy hard song to sing. and what about all those years of dramatic monologues for the language arts competitions. oh captain, my captain? anyone, anyone?

i've been reminding myself every year that goes by that 40 is the new 30 and my distant hopes of being an indy film star or stage wonder are not entirely gone. production has always fascinated me too, back in the miami days i used to fantasize about being a production assistant. who fantasizes about being the errand girl and getting yelled at all day? however, i like being helpful, getting what you need, and anticipating the need before it even arises...i think i would be a kick ass production assistant, i am a mother after all. trying to be helpful was how this whole drama even started.

jen was on a film-is-my-next-art-to-conquer tear. i instantly get excited when she even starts looking in this direction. i can just picture myself lying on a beautiful bed like beth giving an amazing death monologue or whatever the dramatic part jen writes for me in the story of our lives screenplay. i know how much she loves richmond so i started researching the film scene here thinking this might be ideal for her next art adventure. i stumbled upon this.

how much better does it get? nyu students trying to raise money for their first big project set to be filmed in their hometown. and the subject for the film:

JACKSON WARD is a film about a small-town cop who befriends a struggling teen. The title comes from the name of the neighborhood in Richmond, Virginia in which the film will be shot. This is a film about white guilt and the balance of racial power in the South.

oh my god. this is amazing and perfect...i was just about to write jen and tell her she needs to e-mail these guys and be their new best friend when for the first time in my life i stopped, i stopped mid-help, wait, wait, wait. these guys should be MY new best friends, this is like my dream, screw it, i'm writing them an e-mail! so here goes:

Title : production assistant treasure

Patience ****** here.Thirty year old, mom of three with unfulfilled fantasies of working in film.
Stumbled upon your current work/art and was hooked.
I do kindness work with a local midwife in Richmond and am currently writing a short book with my sister.
Okay, so if there aren't 5,432 VCU film students standing in line waiting to be production assistants, throw my name in the hat.
I can work a few full days, free of charge...no experience, I do have mad multi-tasking skills and a willing heart.

peace,patience

i thought for sure there would be a return in my e-mail box in three minutes flat. so sure i refreshed maybe 1,352 times. then i realized my craziness and left to pick up josiah from school only to return home to nothing in the inbox. this is the sad part of the story- i got nothin', no response, no response at all...it's so sad, i'm mystified really. this is the part where i should get all rudy on them and myself but i just can't do it. some days i'm sad thinking surely it's all over, the good days of youth are gone. jorge said i forgot to mention that i'm hot, that would have helped.
today however all i can think, is that this train is leaving mama and you missed like the best stop ever. there's always a chance to buy the ticket back though. i'll forgive you cool nyu filmmakers dudes and be your kick ass production assistant, but just this once.

geek dads are in...

2007-03-23T15:40:00.000-07:00

i can always count on jorge to keep me up on trends. he's kinda like madonna, he can see them a mile away or invents them himself. he is also a little bit of everything so he has at least a little cool in him at all times. he casually told me forever ago that geek is in...

"really? huh..." i said.

fine by me, most geeks love me. i'm not crazy smart but i'm happy to listen to whatever you are into and ask semi-intelligent responsive, engaging questions. i'll go home and google later too, just so we'll have something to talk about the next time i see you.

so in true jorge fashion, we find ourselves at new york deli the other night for ipod night and to support this awesome and very cool do-gooding project. have you ever walked into someplace and were immediately aware that everyone there is like 10 times cooler than you?

The soundtrack in my own inner monologue was goin' back to some sesame street days-
one of these things is not like the other...that and there were crickets.

but it wasn't just geek- there were girls with black, short hair and tattoos up their arms and skinny guys in tight t-shirts and beards wearing black horned rimmed glasses. these are geeks, artists, bloggers, cool underground bike people, zine makers, very socially aware and conscious, all the cool shit rolled into one... did i mention i was the homecoming queen? totally embarrassing yet true.

and there was jorge, schmoozing with the best of them. i love, love, love all of this...even if i was overly cheery and never got a second look from anyone in the bar. being the eternal poser that i am-i listened to the music, i took note of the fashion, i felt the vibe.

i still chalked the coolness factor to the youth of the night until i hit the park the next day. not long ago it was dad's in northface fleeces pushing kids on swings and this spring it's dad's playing IN the sand discussing how the human connection and science interconnect. my brother in law would have been in heaven. there were even more horned rimmed glasses and cool throwback tennis shoes. i just smiled and eavesdropped on all the interesting conversations around me, it beats poop conversations and stroller reviews any day of the week.

my thanks...

2006-11-27T05:58:00.000-08:00

i love thanksgiving, always have. aside from the raping and pillaging we did to the native americans, i like to think their kindness to an undeserving people keeps the holiday pure in it's intent.

it was also the day my beloved proposed so it holds all kinds of warm memories for me...

we had a hell of a week leading up to thanksgiving. you can read about it here.
we found our way but it was emotionally exhausting. we had very little to offer at a holiday that is all about cooking, preparing, doing together. it didn't seem to matter though. the sisters, in their wisdom, kept reminding me that all was well and no contribution was needed. they sent gifts of warm spinch artichoke dip to eat in the car for our travels and care packages of bath oils and good books. but mostly i was touched how they loved my husband.
some wrote, some called, some im'ed. women surrounded him with gifts of advice, nuture and support- things i was just unable to give to him. it was the divine mother, the one who never fails or hurts you.

this left me with an overwhelming feeling of deep gratitude. instead of packing and cleaning the day before thanksgiving, we ended up making cards and taking flowers to people we felt thankful for.
josiah reminded me that his friend at school only had 2 lego guys, he thought his card should include some of his own.
jack said he felt thankful for santa and proceeded to make him a card complete with the famous hand print turkey art. he wanted to deliver it right away. i knew we had to although i really didn't want to go clear cross town in the cold torrential rain.
lucy was clingy and grouchy but perked up at the sight of santa and the play place at the mall.

i tell you all this because we have everything we could ever need or want. i always thought my life would be good if certain things happened or didn't happen. i see now that when everything is peeled away, when your pain is raw, if you can find love-even in the darkest place, you are okay. even if you don't feel it yourself, if someone else can hold it for you, or make the space, it will light your way...

a fall redeemed...

2006-11-11T14:01:00.000-08:00

jack and i have been properly worshipping the leaves this fall. sadly our sanctuary has been the car, we still ride down my street and pray to the blue sky and orange trees. the yellow oaks are a call to prepare our hearts right before the wind blows her blessing on us.

"jack! do you see that?"
"yeah, mama!"
"it makes me happy jackie-boy."
"me too mama."

the leaves fall and our car pushes right through blowing the holiness to someone else.

the only dark part of this beauty is that we should be outside, not confined by glass and steel. we rush through unable to really soaked up the magic.

i have been spending most of my days in the car. i hate this...this life that is dictated by school hours, homework, bedtimes, schedule, laundry and the like. i can't find my rhythm, responsibility is calling the shots. spontaneity has taken a back seat, i love that dear girl. she is full of joy and i miss her desperately.

i thought all was lost, the winter-like air has swept in quickly during the month of november. the days of walking to carytown to get a little piece of chocolate , a yummy lunch,
or play and be inspired felt pretty much over. i am not yet ready to switch gears to starbucks and hibernation. winter can be long and harsh and i never had a chance to say good-bye to my good friend fall. she was kind and granted mercy today. the sun was shining proudly, t-shirts and flip flops had one last show.

lucy and i almost skipped to all our places in town. lucy waved and said, "bye!" to every stranger along the way. it didn't matter whether we were coming or going, her gift was happily received. the smiles were deep and genuine. after finding lots of treasures we made our way back to our haven.
naps were in order, they seemed the perfect benediction. i was unable to sleep and found myself in the kitchen making homemade macaroni and cheese. the thought of an inevitable winter still was looming in the back of my mind. the season of so many things are coming to an end for me. my spirituality will try to live off the new harvest i've been gathering, hopeful that peace will be born by spring. it weighs on my heart today.

acoustics sounds of a guitar and bass start to fill my kitchen. they mix with the aroma of the comfort food, all of my senses being tended to. the guys next door are preparing for their gig tonight. it could not be more perfect. the live music finds it's way deep into my soul. i sit on my porch, the only one at this show. fall has not allowed me to despair, like a mother she knew i needed her to be redeemed and find my own redemption so that i may embrace a new hope...

i worship this guy...

2006-11-04T16:39:00.000-08:00

can i just say my brother rocks?

this could not be a better post. i totally agree man...

10 reasons why jorge is a crazy good papa...

2006-11-01T02:16:00.000-08:00

1.he plays hours of "wars"- josiah's made up game that is played on a chinese checker board with marbles, dice, legos and backgammon pieces. the game is that josiah makes up 1000 different rules to directly favor himself...thank god for playful parenting, this process requires the patience of a saint. (jorge does occasionally get his own rule in here and there)

2. he loves halloween and all other holidays that involve excess such as-
(ranked by most favorite)
1.thanksgiving(food)
2.st. patrick's day (drinking)
3. halloween (candy goodwill).

3. he REALLY wants a pet. he and jack took turns holding shiner (the preschool class guinea pig) this weekend. shiner gets a reprieve from 120 little hands to just the torture of one family on the weekend.

4. he gets pissy when i don't remind him that it's pumpkin carving day at school, he would have liked to have gone. the same goes for fieldtrips. (i say- not my job dude!)

5. he loves live music so much he is happy/willing to sit through scareokey at the spooky saturday at school. for just 2 tickets any kid can be tina turner rollin' down a river...

6. he meets our kids snuggle needs. i never realized how much connecting he does until the last few weeks when he has been enduring knee surgery drama. i watched jack in papa holding withdrawal. the kids were actually giddy the first night he was back in our family bed.

7. he's up on kid's television and pop culture. he tivo's the backyardigans and wonder pets, and doesn't mind watching and singing for that matter.

8. he sees the potential-he let's jack take 5 million digital pics half of which are blurred or pictures of lucy's nostrils.

9. he say's things like, "niiiiice" and "excellent" to anything you really care about. he asks follow-up questions about kindergarten dynamics and playground drama.

10. he delights fully in our kids, he honors their personalities and stages of growth in their hearts and lives...

more kid funnies...

2006-10-18T11:08:00.000-07:00

My kids often tell me that they love me with her body, heart and soul. Jack was helping me make breakfast this morning and we were chit-chatting about apple skins. “mom, I love you with my body and my food.”

Josiah must be learning about allergies somewhere. He said this morning with great excitement,

j- “mom, I know what I’m allergic to!”

me- “really, what?”

j- “it’s ‘lectricity, I sneezed 2 times when I was turning my light on in my room.”

i got soul...

2006-10-17T15:19:00.000-07:00

jack's favorite song in the whole universe is "All these things" by The Killers.
he stands in front of the fan (a la darth vader) and sings the chorus "i got soul but i'm not a soldier" just to get the same sound as the real band.
this little chorus inevitably has found different words at our house.
tonight at dinner, i heard josiah as he was bringing the pineapple to lucy- "i got pine, but i'm not a pine-apple."
jack quickly followed by "i got poop, but i'm not a booty"

yes, this is the dinner conversation tonight....this family has definitely got soul.

the way she...

2006-10-16T13:45:00.000-07:00

the way she moves her head from side to side, it's her dance...
the way she claps when dora starts...
the way she half smiles when she nurses...
the way she "talks"...
the way she looks when josiah walks in the room...
the way she tolerates jack's very close and sloppy love...
the way she plays coy...
the way she turns her papa's heart inside out...
the way she feels like my little partner in every act of kindness...
the way her eyes hold the best dream you can imagine...
the way it seems like the whole world adores her...
the way she lights our life and brings us such sweet joy...

happy birthday lucy....

always yours,

mama

friendship and josiah's advice

2006-10-02T03:37:00.000-07:00

There has been lots of self-evaluation (even more than usual) after a falling out with a friend this week. The whole family seems to have something to say.

After giving Josiah the brief lowdown:

Me: Well, I haven’t been a good friend in some ways but it’s a little complicated.

Josiah: Mom, that's not true, you are a very good friend. Just say your sorry mom, it will be fine.

Me: I did say my sorry but I think my feelings are hurt…

Jack: I cly (cry) when my feelings are hurt.

Josiah: Mom, tell me what happened.

I share just a little more of the story.

Josiah: Mom, this is not a big deal, just say sorry and it’s okay mom. Did you ask her to go to lunch? That will work, just do that tomorrow.

In my mind, it is so much more complicated but his advice seems very wise in the moment.

When I look back in my life I’ve always made friends very easily, I’ve had lots of friends, I was always looking in the room for that person that needed a friend.

I’ve never required much from my friends either, I don’t need you to call me back, it’s perfectly fine if we don’t see each other in a awhile. I am very present, in the moment when I’m with you. I give you everything I have, I think about you when I’m not with you, I pray for you, I’ll drop something on your doorstep if I know you are low, I’ll listen to your bad life or stories about your horrid mother in law, I’m right there with you. I delight in your company and can see all the treasures in your soul. I’ll process, share, discuss anything, at anytime….it sounds fantastic right?

But the weird part is I don’t really need a certain kind of emotional support returned from my friends, which in some ways it ends up not really being a give and take friendship at all. It’s not that I see the world as a great big project, it’s just kind of how I’m wired I guess. It feels more like breathing, I don’t think about it, it’s just how I am. When I do have a need or a problem I have lots of different people I can go to share or draw wisdom from.

Besides my family, there are just a very small handful of people that I can’t live without.

I feel like an ice princess just saying that.

Most are pretty fine with that arrangement, but for some it’s a recipe for disaster.

This also leads to flakiness- I have lots of people going, giving lots because I enjoy it and it really isn’t that hard for me but if you need to be needed back, I’m a horrible friend. The second I feel that need arising, I start to retreat because I can’t deliver and then I get all up in my head worrying that you feel loved by me. I don’t have the mental energy to be worrying about the frequency of our interactions hoping you are feeling close and connected enough. My instinct is to break-up immediately which leaves both friends feeling horrible.

So I have to figure this dynamic out. I think this is what my friend was trying to do but her delivery was too harsh and brutal. I felt forced to try to make a change and unsafe to practice with her. I think it might have been a myer’s briggs letters communicating issue. Maybe I’m not meant to have those type of more intense friendships or maybe it’s an opportunity to grow. I feel horrible about the whole thing but I think time will help to heal some deep wounds and maybe josiah’s advice will ring true in the end…say your sorry and go to lunch, it will be fine mom.

the next 30...

2006-09-17T19:04:00.000-07:00

i had been thinking about my birthday for a few months now. i thought i wanted an adventure birthday, but the adventure was really in my head.
i don't really like my birthday, it something about the direct attention. while i want to celebrate, i feel sort of fragile and uncomfortable. this year felt a little different, i knew i had the power to say what i envisioned and wanted but i needed someone to help me figure out what that was. jorge very casually helped me sort it out.
i realized it was okay to have the kind of birthday where i could receive the love and celebration of my life in a way that felt safe and just right for me. sometimes i just don't know how to let people love me, but i'm trying...

this translated into a lot of little experiences instead of one big one. it meant personal expressions of love from little children, dancing and drinking with friends, trying something hard and new with the safest people in my world, mending a precious relationship over yummy food and talk of football, sitting in the sun opening a gift that contained enough inspiration for the next thirty years, and receiving a book of blessings for my path that can be soaked in again and again.

and i still didn't get to connect with all the people i wanted to...maybe this will be a birthday month, i don't know. i do know that it is the beginning of so many new things for me. i don't feel as old as i thought, but i feel wiser like i have something to share with the world.

and the universe, in all her wisdom has much more to share with me...

a lovely weekend...

2006-09-10T16:36:00.000-07:00

this weekend can be described in one word- lovely. we went to northern virginia to meet up with dear friends and even had a chance to make a new one too. i love weekends that are a little bit of everything- new amazing nature, a new friend, a new look at spirituality, a new wisdom, a new experience. i feel so at home with these friends, and it seems in many ways just the beginning of our friendship. i left feeling relaxed and inspired.

this was also launched this week- *sigh*, so amazing...many blessings as the divine blogosphere mother welcomes you back...

labor day, movie marathons and more...

2006-09-04T12:48:00.000-07:00

this labor day finds us in true sloth-dom. each room in the house is a different degree of trashed. the morning started with a viewing of the movie jumanji which then turned into a suggestion of zathura and chinese food. i'm sure this is the very definition of relaxation that whoever invented labor day had in mind. i didn't even know a movies-about-board-games marathon even existed, or could be created by a 6 and 32 year old.

i'm slightly disturbed that we are even in this movie world. tastes are definitely changing, it must be yet another sign that kindergarten starts tomorrow. i'm definitely having one of those my heart is outside of my body parenting moments.
i feel like this chapter is very over and nothing will be exactly the same again. i sound completely dramatic (which i was actually called this morning) i know but i really loved that chapter. you know, the one where you sit around at parks all afternoon, make "projects" involving styrofoam and toothpicks with the cellophane flags at the top, you decide to make chocolate chip cookies on a whim and dance in the kitchen. there is no plan because you never HAVE to be anywhere. you have deep conversations about star wars, legos and what happens when you die.

the smokin' and jokin' days are over...jorge has grand plans of taking over the pta, early pick-ups and standing on the sidelines at basketball games. he is coming into his parenting prime while i watch mine fade away. i will follow jorge's lead as he did mine and josiah will light our path.

"mom, i put my head under the water at the pool and fell asleep all by myself...
we had a happy meal and got toys from leeann and i'm going to the big kid school, my life is so good mom."

it is a good life, even for the resistant teary mom who will still embrace the next chapter and pray it is as sweet as the last...

transitions, babies and love....

2006-08-27T11:29:00.000-07:00

my week started out with a bang. i was offered a new job on monday and accepted it on tuesday, quit my present job on wednesday, told many a friend on thursday and had a big meeting on friday.

somewhere in between a baby was born, jorge traveled and love was tested. all ended triumphantly i must say but made for a very interesting and tiring week.

as we were out shopping for the baby, i ran into an old friend and chatted while my kids waited. my kids were whining and extremely tired, they were so rude even i was embarrased. we still had to head back to my work which couldn't have been a worse idea considering how grouchy everyone was but i really needed to go. i was railing on them after we left about how rude they were when jackie-boy very quietly in the back said,

" 'cuse me mama, you know what my body is telling me?"

(*sigh* i'm fully expecting he'll say chocolate milk or some other "need". i am so over being a parent today is all i can think)

"my body is saying (here comes the high pitched voice), 'go to toys work (what they call my job)
jackie-boy'."

this is jack's surrender, he has given over his will and sacrificed his needs for me. it's his olive branch.

"thanks jackie." i say, feeling like such a loser for dragging my kids all over creation to do my errands and do-gooding. did the gift really need to be delivered on a saturday night at 8:30pm and THEN head back to my work? and why, oh why am i trying to finish out so much before i leave.

i think i just feel a little guilty for quitting so close to the busiest time of year for my line of work. or maybe i just want the people close to me to know that i'm not quitting them.

i felt proud of my family though. as much as my kids were making me crazy, they happily picked out presents for the big sisters of the new baby and they apologized for being rude when really i was being a crappy parent.

all that and my marriage was tested by evil in the world, but the most amazing part was we passed with flying colors. it left the kind of high that true love really does conquer all...

so all in all, it was a good week, tiring but good.

madonna, the divine mother and reinventing my faith...

2006-08-25T14:43:00.000-07:00

my sister and i were talking on the phone the other day when i was telling her that i just felt like the divine mother or whoever was trying to tell me something. this made her chuckle and smile i'm sure. "oh, i love that, the divine mother." she said. "i know, right?" i said.

we've been calling him, or um her that ever since. it's who the divine is to us this week. maybe it will change next week, who knows. the conversation instantly reminded me of madonna. i mean who can go from material girl to like a prayer to justify my love to knitting mother to kaballah queen? somehow that woman pulls it off like whoever she is in that moment is exactly what she should and the rest of the world should be too. she owns the room, the music, even the future reinvention...and i don't even really like madonna.

my faith, my god, is forever being reinvented in my head.
i went from this god i desperately want to please and pray he loves me back
to
maybe he doesn't care so much about me trying so damn hard
to
the god that isn't even about that shit anyway
to
god must be about loving the world
to
mother theresa and saving the world in my own way must be the god i am about
to
maybe god is like the divine mother whose lap you crawl into. she strokes your hair while you cry...she gently calls you out to do the things you are afraid to do. she whispers the truth of her deep love for you at the moment when you feel the most alone. she reminds you how strong you are and how her dreams for you are so much greater than you can ever imagine...

this is my god, she's my favorite by far. i feel safe in her arms, i want to hear her voice...

come to me divine mother....reinvent my faith again.

when tivo has gone too far...

2006-08-22T06:24:00.000-07:00

this is how you know how your kids have wached too many shows in the tivo que this summer:

i was reading josiah a book this morning when he said,

"pause the book mom, i gotta get something."

my letter to the principal...

2006-08-21T13:11:00.000-07:00

so we are in this horrible waiting game with josiah's school situation. we literally will not know until the first day of school if there is a spot for him. it sucks royally for me, i hate not knowing. i wrote this letter so the principal won't forget about us. i was trying to craft a "you really want us" letter but i just couldn't do it so i went with endearing and pathetic. i think it's a good description of josiah...

Dear Mr. *****,

We spoke last week regarding my son Josiah who will be in kindergarten this fall. Josiah is first on the waiting list and **** is our district school. While I'm sure the last minute preparations for the school year are enough to make everyone crazy, I appreciate you taking the time to read this e-mail.

I've heard you are a face-to-face kind of guy but I figured that it would be completely overboard for me show up unannounced and beg for a spot for my kid one week before school starts. So I sit here with my computer instead knowing that the numbers are already determined and that you have to actually have a spot to offer. The letter is merely for my own mental health I'm sure.

I just wanted you to know a little bit about Josiah so that if a spot should open in that very last dark hour you would have a picture in your head to fill it.

Josiah is a lego artist and is completely obsessed with recycling at the moment. Everywhere we go he insists that he needs to take trash home for a very important project. The little ketchup cups at Wendy’s are necessary for bionicle building, the Cold Stone creamery bowl must be washed out in the bathroom because it would be the perfect top to a submarine, and he insists he will need the cup carrier at Baja Fresh for something although he’s not quite sure what that something is yet. And yes, we are eating a lot of fast food these days.
I keep reminding myself that this form of art is indeed important to his development and we aren’t just hauling a bunch of crap home.

This kid has a killer sense of fashion that involves lots of mismatching and green or red high top converse shoes that have become his trademark.
He is kind and has an uncanny ability to make friends everywhere we go. I sometimes watch in amazement thinking he will never be able to crack the code with the kid twice his age and size but somehow he does. He is very laid back and can adapt to a plan change at any minute but he can also be incredibly persistent once he gets something in his head. He asks why so much, so much that even the former teacher in me gets tired just thinking about it.
He is rarely outwardly defiant but has been known to be passive aggressive on occasion. He loves his brother and sister dearly and is incredibly affectionate. I will really miss his company but am excited for this next step in his life.

I believe that ****** is the place for Josiah and our family. I am particularly interested in the multi-cultural focus as we are an ethnically blended family. The do-gooder in me wants my kid in any place that is participating in a project like Habitat for Humanity where kids can get a hands on experience on what our lives should really be about.

While I know Josiah will be great wherever he ends up, in my head and heart I can see him walking up the steps to ******. We will wait until the very last day of August as per your instruction in the letter we received from you. Much peace and many blessings as you start another year of leading the kids of Richmond to new places of learning and growth.

attached is a picture of josiah...

peace,

********

so the kids and i crashed happy hour...

2006-08-18T05:06:00.000-07:00

i gave jorge this very long speech the other day about how i am so tired of hauling the kids to work with me because well, it's hard to actually work. as a result of this long, drawn out complaining-about-the-plight-of-women session we decided jorge would watch the kids last night so i could get some uninterrupted hours in.

so where is my husband at 5:30 when i'm on my way to drop the kids off and head in to work? he's here ....the best little hole in the wall bar in richmond. i'm mildly annoyed although he claims he had every intention of being home by the time we got there. i instantly start planning my "you suck" speech when i had a brilliant idea: we will crash happy hour! everyone, the whole crew- me, a six year old, a three year old and 10 month old respectively.

while i know that buddy's is like my husband's inner sacred place, i knew he would probably think it was great that we spontaneously showed up. i was hoping it would have more of a revenge effect but jorge is just too cool for that. not to mention, why shouldn't i get to have a drink too?

josiah: where are we going mom?
me: we are going to meet papa at a "restaurant"
josiah: oh good, do they have french fries there?
me: ummm....probably, we'll see...

so we get to buddy's and i march my myself with a baby on my hip right into the smokey bar. every man in there has a look of instant panic followed by relief that none of the small children actually belong to him. i can see them thanking jesus this is not their wife invading their inner sanctum. i scan the room and i quickly realize jorge is NOT there. where the hell is he?

i tell the kids we are leaving much to every one in the bar's relief and head outside to call jorge.
i start thinking that he must have felt bad he screwed me over and has gone home to wait for me. not so much....

jorge: hello?
me: where are you?
jorge: i'm at bandito's
me: what? i thought you were at buddy's?
jorge: nah, we ended up at bandito's
me: I'M AT BUDDY'S!!!!!!!
jorge: what!!!????? (laughing while slightly buzzed)
me: we were crashing your happy hour and now you are at bandito's? you have completely ruined my whole plan of revenge! I'm so pissed!
jorge: (still laughing) you took the kids to buddy's?
me: you are buying me dinner and drinks.
jorge: no problem baby, i'll have a long island iced tea waiting for you.
me: see you in a few....
jorge: hey, so are you going to work?
me: hell no!
jorge: (laughing) bye...

why i have not done this before i do not know. we ended up having a great night that just couldn't end at bandito's. let's just say the night ended with good friends drinking on our porch and singing high school musical songs. the days of summer are almost over. i wish we had crashed happy hour forever ago...

it's all about the love...

2006-08-15T20:50:00.000-07:00

i was going to write this very mushy post about my husband and then i read this which made me cry. i don't even know where to start except that he really gets me. he knows i so very want to be the woman in that song.

jorge has taught me so much this year. it was a particularly good marriage year- we had lucy, we moved to a new place for the sake of adventure, jorge started a new business that energizes him, jorge taught me how to recover a time in my life i thought was over, some sad things happened and we were able to really rely on each other, st. patrick's day was insanely fun...and the list goes on.

many blessings on you my best friend...we have been given much more than we could ever ask or imagine. ephesians 4:20

you have loved me well, i pray i can return that love in the many years to come.

vacation in richmond...

2006-07-30T18:14:00.001-07:00

we were supposed to go to the o.a.r. concert in maryland this weekend. we got the tickets like forever-a-go but our babysitting fell through at the last minute which royally screwed us. we decided to vacation in richmond (in the summer) instead.

we have done this before sans children- let me tell you, there is a huge difference. there were drunken nights and dancing until dawn. leisure breakfasts and museum afternooons, it was magical. with kids, not so much...

some conclusions i've come to -

we discovered that the movie monster house is definitely too scary for a 3 year old when jorge had to take jack out 2 minutes into the movie. duh! i know, but he really wanted to try after repeated questioning from us.

we should have gone to a hotel. no matter what we do we can not seem to get cool in our city apartment. it was so miserable, not even cheesy romantic comedies could make it bearable...

it was too hot to even walk around in our neighborhood. we actually drove 5 blocks to our byrd discounted theater to watch over the hedge in hopes of redeeming jack's bad movie experience. jorge and i slept through the entire movie in the air conditioning.

being "in town" required me to make one stop at work- a place i'm trying to avoid at all costs...

and then right in the middle of our mini-vacation, a big bomb drops. jorge's parents are separated...*sigh* there are not many times in the last 14 years that i have seen my very best friend sad. like really sad... i am the talk-about-it-until-it's-processed-to-death kind of sad person whereas jorge is a silent kind of sad person.
it was so hard, i kept thinking about this post and how uncomfortable i am with silence. i just want to do, say, believe, hope- anything that would relieve the pain of the person i love most on this earth. but really, just being together and quiet was what was needed most and i suck at that.

i have to say i'm looking forward to fall, even though there is still a month of summer left.

the summer of...

2006-07-30T05:56:00.000-07:00

this has been the summer of...

organic produce
strengths finder
seal team physical training
popsicles
never feeling cool
high school musical
sheer emotional exhaustion

boxed in...

2006-07-30T05:05:00.000-07:00

i hate feeling like i don't have any options. it must be a letters thing http://www.personalitypage.com/
or something. i like to know there are in fact at least 32 flavors when i'm deciding on ice cream even though i always choose the same two. mint chocolate chip and some form of peanut butter and chocolate in case you were wondering...

i have felt very boxed in, trapped, at the end of my rope sort of feelings in my job for the last year. i desperately wanted to quit but was afraid to give up the money, flexibility, and extras it provided my family. as time went on the scale started tipping, was the work drama worth all of that ? after awhile it seemed that there had to be some greater lesson, the kind you have to sort out or learn or you'll just be carrying that shit with you to the next place you go. so after being completely broken down, i surrendered and accepted the truth . i gathered my strength and faced the demon head on and then something weird and kind of amazing happened. i felt free, like suddenly there were lots of options- even in my shitty job.

when the dust in my soul settled, it was quiet. it hasn't been peaceful in so long. i got two calls that week, someone offered me a job somewhere else and a call for an opportunity i didn't even realize i've been preparing for all along. one of these isn't even really an option, it's more like in the dream category. i guess we are never really boxed in. it's just that we might not consider the options we have. or maybe we are trying to make the path instead of the path finding us...

josiah's recycling...

2006-07-29T21:38:00.000-07:00

Turning six has made a huge impact on Josiah. His world has been instantly broadened by the biggest rite of passage in his short life- watching star wars. Even the tivo was tired of playing the discovery channel’s Science of Star Wars as it served as the authority of all things darth vader when he was merely five. It fueled the obsession, along with complex lego constructions and plastic light sabers. The time had finally come and the movie was all it was cracked up to be and more. The viewing gave way to empower many more requests “now that I’m six”.
The force is with Josiah, his mind is swirling with new ideas and possibilities.

While star wars is still foremost in his mind, recycling has become a close second. Everywhere we go he insists that he needs to take trash home for a very important project. The little ketchup cups at Wendy’s are necessary for bionicle building, the Cold Stone creamery bowl must be washed out in the bathroom because it would be the perfect top to a submarine, and he’s sure he will need the cup carrier at Baja Fresh for something although he’s not quite sure what that something is yet. And yes, we are eating a lot of fast food these days.

I keep reminding myself that this form of art is indeed important to his development and we aren’t just hauling a bunch of crap home. This trash is disguised as treasure. Josiah can see, he can see the treasure…the perfect thing that will complete or serve an important part of the whole. This is beauty to Josiah, the kind that we miss or never even care to consider.

I realized I’ve been doing a little recycling of my own lately. I’m sad to say it’s the worst kind. Recycling old thoughts, old anger and hurt in my heart. Feelings of insecurity, constant questioning, just believing that I suck. Things I thought had been thrown away. My job is like a magnet for bringing these things to the surface. I feel the force or maybe the darkside pulling down my soul. It’s been years since I was so full of self-doubt. The difference is I can see them now, I call them out but struggle to relinquish any power to them. They consume me, they drain my hope...

I keep searching for a new place to put this garbage but there is more this time and it doesn't seem to fit in the can anymore. Maybe I’m missing the point. I keep trying to throw them away, hoping they will never return but maybe they are meant to be recycled, maybe even woven or painted into the art that is my life. I always choose the bright colors, but the dark hues give my canvas depth and a richness I never knew I needed.
My recycling must be transformed into something meaningful, at least to me. Then I can look at it, really look at it and see the purpose, feel the pain, accept the past and love the future. I guess in time I can be like Josiah- viewing everything in my world as a possiblility, something to create, something to make my own, something beautiful to me...

525,600 minutes....

2006-06-01T06:17:00.000-07:00

so i'm incredibly behind on my broadway musicals but in my heart, i am a true blue believer. anything that involves cheesy music, over-acting and jazz hands has me to my core. even right now, this very moment, i am listening to newsies while i write this post. if you even know what i am talking about, you are my best friend forever....

open the gates and seize the day friends....seize the day!

you can imagine my excitement when someone mentioned to me that the choir at church was singing seasons of love from the play RENT last sunday. i ducked out of a room of crying children to catch the song.

the choir had a little light in their eyes and a tiny hop in that sway they do when they sing. they looked particularly excited to be singing a different sort of anthem, not just happy for themselves but hopeful for the people they were singing to. it was an intergenerational choir- babies to old people. i liked that.
525,600 minutes…how do you measure a year? in daylight, in sunsets or cups of coffee. how about love? measure our lives in love…
the song rang through my head all day long. i woke up the next morning and downloaded the song, i walked to my movie store and rented the movie version. measure my life in love?

there are so many to love. people I know, people I don’t know, big people, little people and everything in between, people of different races, cultures, creeds…and the even greater question? how well do I love myself?

i embrace this anthem and make it my little theme song for my life this week. i pretend i very tragically have aids or some terminal illness (just like the play) and think what about what i want to be known for. i call my sister and insist that we must measure our lives by love. all forms, all ways…love through art, through beauty, through hope and the list goes on.

and then I remember what love looks like in my everyday life…

love means…

playing lots more lego star wars computer game (i’ve been told i’m not a very good jumper but i should keep trying)
not freaking out when jack “accidentally” licks me- nothing grosses me out more
holding lucy more
choosing to receive the intention of my boss’ heart and accept what he is capable of
doing the wash for my husband
keeping the massage appointment for myself even though it is an ungodly amount of money
writing the next zine that is in my heart
giving myself over to art, believing my voice is still there
going to see ruth (my old lady neighbor)
start planning that white water rafting trip for my 30th
maybe enrolling my kid in the ghetto school
calling my dad...

may the caterpillars in my yard feel my sheer delight in them, may my children experience the intense joy i feel for them by long pillow fights and popsicles on the porch, may the people at my church know the depth of my spiritual hope even if i struggle with the institution, may my husband somehow share my deep happiness in living our everyday lives together...may i measure my life in love.

waiting and thinking...

2006-04-20T20:03:00.000-07:00

teething girl...

2006-04-20T20:00:00.000-07:00

papa and baby girl...

2006-04-20T19:56:00.000-07:00

super powers, broken heads, and other tales...

2006-04-20T18:46:00.000-07:00

my mother reminds me on a regular basis that i'll forget all the amazing, funny and endearing things my children say when i am old. it's hard to imagine but since i forgot that there was a field trip yesterday i'm sure it's completely possible.
so, in true ginny hammond (my mother) fashion, i promptly went to the grocery store and bought a knife, cute plate, and veggies and assembled my platter (during the red lights) that i signed up to bring. and it looked pretty. this might be the super power passed down to me: bringing resourcefulness and pretty together.

the subject of super powers has been a topic at our house lately. as i was pulling out yet another splinter (our wood floors are awful) from josiah's foot without even a flinch, this was our conversation:

me: josiah, i think your super power could be bravery. you are very brave.
josiah: yeah, i think you are right, i am brave.
jack: my supah powah is hugging.
josiah and me: YEAH! that is so true jackie boy...

jack has this way of hanging on your neck during the most uninvited moments, but you really can't argue. it's pure love... and then he insists on hugging you at least 3 times before you leave to go anywhere and follows you to the door proclaiming his love. "i luv you so buch mama!"
yes, hugging is definitely his super power...

that jackie-boy...we had a funny when he was deciding what to order at a restaurant the other day. i read him the menu and he decided on fish and french fries. he later changed his mind because he was worried the fish would eat his fries...

during a complex game of "attack"- god knows whose bright idea that was, josiah flung a wood puzzle at jack's head. he later said he thought he would catch it but whatever, jack ended up with a gash on the top of his head. i found jack howling and blood dripping off of his curls. when i finally calmed him down he said he was really scared because his head was "broken". this lead to a long scientific explanation on scabs and how the body knows just what to do to fix broken heads...

lest you think josiah is a complete animal i should share some of this child's goodness. i was preparing a hope rock for a friend who happened to be really down. josiah inquired and i explained what was going on.

josiah: is that from you? that rock?
me: yeah
josiah: you can't do that!
me: do what? why?
josiah: that rock has to be from our whole family mom, that can't be just from you. our family is about loving people mom! our whole family mom!
me: oh, sorry.
josiah: yeah mom, you have to remember that.
me: do you think that could be our family's super power? loving people?
josiah: yes, it is, that is DEFINITELY our super power!

my light and joy...

2006-03-13T04:33:00.000-08:00

so here's my girl....(sigh) it's hard to describe exactly how i feel about her. let's just say the love is deep and rich.

Dr. McDreamy and nutella....

2006-02-07T04:51:00.000-08:00

there are 2 things that have been on my mind lately, my husband and nutella. i feel like i'm not getting enough of either these days...and trust me when i get very unlady-like and say, i could eat both all day long! :)

i was thinking yesterday that if i were stuck on a desert island for the rest of my life, nutella is something i might possibly never get sick of. i could spread it on damn near everything- leaves, twigs, sand and it would be scrumpt-delio-umptious!

and as for my husband, anyone that has known me for more than say, 10 minutes, knows i can be that annoying junior high girl and talk incessantly about her boyfriend. you know, the one she breaks up with the following week...but this one stuck. i was pondering how at almost 30 if this is even normal? god knows my husband can drive me absolulety crazy, i'm keenly aware of his shit but i really am still dreamy about him. i feel sort of strange about this and i'm not sure why, but oh screw it, here are the things i like about jorgie-

cool things ALWAYS happen to him and when you are with him
he's fun to drink with
he brings you trashy magazines when you are sick
he makes a mean strawberry/pina colada
he secretly pretends he's a bartender
he cares about old people
he supports my do-gooding habit- which always stretches us financially
he's quiet about his own do-gooding
he's up on all things media and technology- and music and pop culture
he indulges my rants and only sets me straight when absolutley necessary
he blogs- http://3bte.blogspot.com/
he can keep a secret
he's a great player- kids think of him as a jungle-gym
he cleans up when i go to work- he didn't always do this
he has kind eyes
he's hot as HELL!!
he's a kindred spirit- if i can use a girly word
he loves me deeply....

i miss you my friend...

the hooligans and baby girl

2005-12-23T04:33:00.000-08:00

josiahlove

2005-12-23T04:32:00.001-08:00

jackieboy

2005-12-23T04:32:00.000-08:00

Lucy Girl

2005-12-23T04:08:00.000-08:00

the hooligans, sweet baby, and wise women

2005-12-09T15:03:00.000-08:00

lately everywhere i go the hooligans erupt with a new wildness in their hearts. i don't know if it's just silliness at a new level, like they know my mind and hands are too full to require order.
i think i might have become "that mother" in the grocery store.
lucy in the sling gazes sweetly into my eyes while her brothers run circles around me as i try to pick through the crappy winter produce at wal-mart.

i just give a little sigh, tune the chaos out and pray they aren't driving the people crazy around us. they look happy though, they laugh loudly, they aren't annoyed when they finally get into trouble. they just become even more bonded by the height of the fun and the depth of the punishment, the hooligans are in it together- rain or shine. i vascillate between being completely annoyed and secretly delighted by their fun and deep love for each other.

lucy is happy to be close, nothing much rattles her. she smiles only for her big brother and papa.
she sleeps so deeply, so deeply i have worried if she can hear at all. she sleeps through hockey games, parades, loud whoops and hollering. my postpartum dramatic self has been watching mr. holland's opus and researching deaf schools on the internet. my dear husband continues to assure me that she turns her head to follow my voice in a room, he is a good man...

this is life with three...i understand the other mothers who say it was the third that drove them over the edge. no one is particularly hard but collectively it seems MUCH more than two ever did.
this is the time when i crave wise women. the kind that smile when you tell them what your day is like. they remember those days and know that somehow it works out. the hooligans turn out to be adult men that do not run circles in the grocery stores, that little girls grow up and go to rock concerts to lose their hearing, and young mothers will someday grow old and smile when they see a harried woman in sweats and a sling carrying her baby with 2 little boys following behind...

the girl with no name...

2005-10-08T01:12:00.000-07:00

so here we are, like 10 days from my due date, baby girl at 0 station (and has been for like weeks) and the girl has no name. i mean, there are names floating around in the atmosphere for her but none that feel like "the name".

i wonder in my heart if we just need to meet first. to see her little face and then somehow i'll know. truth be told, i REALLY want to name her peace but there is just something about her kicks that tell me she might not be a peace sort of girl, like she might have a little fire in her soul.

and then i remind myself that there is so much of me that is gentle and peaceful but yet i hold that fire deep in my soul too. it is reserved for the most passionate of topics like injustice and unkindness in the world. and the president...

i don't think it would ever fly with my little family either but i just can't totally embrace their names. normally, i would have given in by now but i feel baby girl should have a special name. something that expresses all that she already is and everything she will become...

refined sugar and def poetry jam...

2005-08-09T17:11:00.000-07:00

what could the two possibly have in common you ask? well, they both make me happy...very happy.
i gave up refined sugar for about 6 weeks- hard core i tell you, jorge laughed at me when i said i was going to do it. but the thing i realized is, i just love ice cream too much. so now i'm eating almost no refined sugar except ice cream, mint chocolate chip to be exact, and the occasional milk chocolate indulgence. i find this is a better balance for both my soul and mood.

and i really like eating healthy otherwise...my love affair with fresh fruits and vegetables has only intensified during this pregnancy. hopefully this will be passed on to my baby girl too...

and then there's def poetry jam. it has to be like the best kind of church ever. every week i can barely wait for the next one. i find myself crying and laughing while being convicted and inspired. and then i rewatch them over and over during the week. these are the things that get a girl through i tell you...ice cream and poetry....

baby girl...

2005-07-14T13:30:00.000-07:00

so after allowing the news that we are having a girl to soak in a bit my mind is swirling with thoughts. i find it funny that we both were so shocked. jorge kept saying, "i just thought we have boys in our family...". like the possibility never crossed his mind, silly boy.

and yet every day that passes, this baby girl weaves her way into our hearts and family, like she's always been there. like we desperately needed her but we never realized it. she completes us and she isn't even born. the brothers seem tighter than ever, they have been playing fabulously together lately. god knows they might be fighting like cats and dogs next week but for today they give each other sloppy kisses and tight hugs and then say, "ewwww...." and laugh at each other. all i can think is that their friendship is exactly as it should be.

i keep having these feelings of mothern concern and protectiveness in a way i haven't felt before. not so much because of her gender but because she is my baby, my youngest. this is strange and new for me. i delight in her, but i don't know her yet. i can imagine what she might look like and guess about her little personality, but none of this matters exactly because she just fits.

her name is a constant discussion. josiah was dead set on lucy for quite sometime until last night when he suggested stella. i've been voting for deeply meaningful cool names like peace and trinity. everyone looks at me like i can't be serious. jorge likes more classic names with a slightly masculine edge and jack thinks "mama" is a good name. i suspect i will be the one compromising here...
part of me really wants her to have a name soon. it just connects me and makes her identity all the more real. like we are welcoming someone we already know but are dying to meet.

i pray she feels the same way about us...

thank you's....

2005-07-13T16:37:00.000-07:00

did you ever get a thank you note that you felt like you should write a thank you back for the thank you? oh...i just got the sweetest, most gentle, kindred spirit kind from someone i barely know.

these sorts of experiences bond me to people. it was such a nothing little care package i sent- i just kept thinking, "i hope this is all okay." and then it was more than okay. my heart feels full, i want to cry. i feel so blessed and touched to meet people people in pain or hard times. the thank you seems just wrong. when people allow you to be part of their lives during hard times, i don't know, it just means so much to me. like such a gift, especially when you really get each other. god, if i could live every day of my life taking meals, preparing care packages, and hearing people's hearts and souls- *sigh*- i learn so much from friends like these- i just don't know why i don't do it more. what holds me back? i think of people all the time and never pick up the phone. i wonder how they are doing or know something major is going on- i wonder how it went but i rarely act on these thoughts.

or i just know someone needs something i have to give but i get too busy, preoccupied, or distracted. it keeps me from such joy and fullness in my heart. some days i just want to forget my faith and live my life - forget it all, and just live everyday without the questions, the things that cause me angst, and just do these things that make me so happy. that is what feels real...just love...

so here's the quote on the cover of the thank you card- (it was from one of my most favorite childhood books...)

"real isn't how you are made. it's a thing that happens to you. when a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with but REALLY loves you, then you become real...it doesn't happen all at once. you become. it takes a long time. that's why it doesn't often happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. generally, by the time you are real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and get loose in the joints and very shabby. but these things don't matter at all, because once you are real you can't be ugly, except to people that don't understand."

-explained the skin horse to the velveteen rabbit-

we have to love each other...there are so many more i need to love.....

oh dear....

2005-06-15T05:19:00.000-07:00

after going to the gym and an intense counting calories discussion during dinner, we watched fit tv about all the cool different gyms in l.a. ....

can you say obsess much?

i'm such a wimp, i swear that man could lead me right off a bridge. or how about a nice refreshing drink...kool-aid anyone?

my husband is making me a little crazy...

2005-06-09T05:45:00.000-07:00

have i ever mentioned how incredibly hot my husband is? i'm not sure what exactly it is, i think it's his smile, that mixed with a killer wink but regardless, he is an attractive man. this really doesn't seem to diminsh when he puts on a little weight either- at least to me. he just looks bigger and stronger- some people have mentioned the word scary but that's just because he is tall, broad and latino.

i have discovered there is like a magic key to his life coming together- it's exercise. whenever he is working out he instantly becomes more productive, involved, happier, etc... then there's the added plus- while he has a nice body to begin with he goes into oh-my-god status. this is how those accidental positive pregnancy tests keep popping up i'm sure.

but unfortuantely for me, with all this exercise and gloriousness comes watching what you eat. i like to eat a healthy dinner and then a bowl of ice cream- i know this makes no sense but i partially work out to be able to keep my occasional candy bar habit.

my dear husband however, has no sweeth tooth. he can not fully appreciate my deep love for all things chocolate. so while his impecable eating habits are looming all around me i always eventually get convicted and cut down on my sweets. this happens to be very good during pregnancy but can also make a person mildly cranky too.

we had a big birthday party for him last week. i asked him if he would like me to add some healthy options to the menu. i knew this crowd that prefers a third grade school party menu (hot dogs, hamburgers and chips) would not be interested in anything remotely healthy but it was jorge's birthday. i wanted him to have what he wanted. he hesitated when i offered, i could tell he was very conflicted. he decided he would be drinking an ungodly amount of beer so what's a few hamburgers?

so due to the never ending beer pong tournament we ended up going through way more beer than hamburgers. this also put a huge dent in our food budget so i decided to cut some corners in meal planning this week. i planned a few acceptable healthy meals but decided to have left over frozen hamburgers one night. "what are we having dinner?" he asks. i follow with a big long explanation preparing him for the hamburger bomb. long silence in return. "aggggg, i'll make something for myself, don't worry about it, okay babe?"

"oh my lord, you are so fussy." the most laid back man in the world is suddenly refusing every man's favorite. "i'll get chicken."

the thing is, if this is the biggest nonsense i have to put up with from this man, i'll gladly take it (but please don't tell him- i like to martyr every now and then) . and his profuse apologizing, i am now getting treated to outback this evening. i say score one for me!

more information...

2005-06-08T12:12:00.000-07:00

i thought maybe this girl was in regular growing up kind of trouble or something...turns out it's secondary cancer. the prognosis is not good, she's in her 20's. nancy (my midwife) and i talked and talked about it today. birth and death are such right of passages. it is such a honor to stand next to anyone during these times. and i just love that people of different faiths are coming together to do this work. i saw the prayer pole today....my heart hasn't stopped praying since i left. it's almost all i can think about and it puts my problems in such perspective.

i've been looking for a faith community outside the church, i can just barely stand church right now. spirituality and birth are so connected for me, it makes so much sense that there might be a faith connection there for me.

spiritual healing...

2005-06-08T04:45:00.000-07:00

i got a phone call from someone i don't know last night. she called with a most interesting invitation. my midwife gave her my name and number and thought i should be included. it seems a very well known doula in our local birth community is going through a really difficult time in her family, especially with her daughter. i have no idea what exactly is going on but she has called on her friends (and friends she doesn't even know yet, i.e. me) to come support her and her daughter at this time.

a spiritual healing of sorts...each attendee is asked to bring a bead that reminds her of courage and hope- this is for a necklace for the daughter. for her mom, we are making a prayer pole, covered with words of encouragement and strength.

i can't tell you how amazing this all sounds to me. i just keep thinking how the return blessingis so great on these types of things. you usually walk out feeling healed yourself. god knows i could use some healing too. i love when a community can gather around a friend in need, even better, when a friend is in need and feels safe enough to ask for help.

i have no idea who will be there, probably no one i will even know, but i feel honored and happy to be included.

suzy homemaker...

2005-06-03T14:57:00.000-07:00

i was quite the suzy homemaker today. this is the side i've been neglecting for let's say, oh 2 years now. i have flashes of martha moments but i've been too busy finding myself recently.
i'm in my late 20's, what can i say?

what brought about out my inner domestic goddess you ask? a hibernation that is a result of depression. well, not exactly the clinical kind, it's more of the i-don't-want-to-deal-with-the-world variety. after family and work drama, both taking hits on my most inner vulnerable self, i should be ready to re-emerge sometime next week. i can't even arm myself with ben & jerry's as i am trying to cut down on my sweets this pregnancy. i did manage to make it to the gym though.

don't these people know i'm an esfj? the high "f", deeply sensitive kind? throw a pregnancy into the mix and man, it's been rough. i feel like i've been kicked when i'm down.

on a brighter note, i love my husband all the more. i've been feeling deeply connected to him lately, like he might be the only person on the planet that really gets me. like the safest person in the world. he's been on overdrive caring for me and loving me.

my kids are right there too. josiah came in when i was lying down the other day to say,

"mom, i know you are having a hard day. i love you so much mama..."

what five year old says this kinda stuff? i swear i'm not laying around crying all day- he is so damn intuitive.

and jack continues to be be his cheerful, chatty self. he constantly refers to himself in the third person and is convinced that is name is "jackie-boy".

so josiah and i made a homemade empanadas and chimmichurri sauce for dinner tonight. we finished with baking a cake for jorge's birthday party tomorrow. i forgot how long it takes to make everything from scratch.

if jorge was home and my house was clean, i might never leave...well, maybe for some ben & jerry's...

CAPITAL letters and other grammar injustices...

2005-05-16T11:50:00.000-07:00

when my sister started her blog forever ago i noticed something a little different the first time i read it.

she never used capital letters. i found this sort of strange but i kinda liked the way it looked. the girl has a knack for making such rebelliousness look cool and artsy. so just for fun, i lost the capitals when i wrote my e-mails. it was nice to never have to press that pesky shift button on my keyboard. i felt a little reckless, like all the english teachers in the world would be appalled and instantly be getting out their red pens trying to mark them on the computer screen.

and then it just turned into a big ole' bad habit. i had to remind myself when writing e-mails for work that my boss might not find my all lower case writing so appealing. and then it hit me...it just felt wrong to use capital letters. why do some letters get to be big and important and others stay little? it felt like an injustice of sorts. i like when all the letters are together, standing side by side, coming together to make something meaningful and compelling. just because you come at the beginning of a sentence, that means you get to stand out and tower over the rest of the letters? the last shall be first is all i'm sayin' people.

but then there are those moments when the letters should get to decide together that they want to say something big. the letters then could decide to to make themselves big and all the others letters would want to support the big letters because they are doing it together!

and then my thoughts turned to punctuation. i have a tendnecy to over use the exclamation point a bit. but by golly why shouldn't i?!!!!! i think it's a wonderful tool and we don't use it enough! and then there are those times for the three little periods (god knows what they are called)...sometimes i just can't complete a sentence, sometimes i'm just not ready to end it- period. i like leaving things out there, so you can have a chance to think it over a bit and it not be so final...i love those little things.

so i don't know why i feel i must explain my poor grammar but i feel compelled today. i guess our world just isn't ready for letter equality and exclamation expression...maybe someday. a girl can dream...

oh crap, it's mother's day...

2005-05-07T14:42:00.000-07:00

this is how i usually feel. mother's day is a complete toss up, it can either be the best day ever or one that takes months to recover from. the first few are tricky regardless, the anticipation is high and father's are usually clueless, unless they have been properly trained.

i'll be the first to admit that my marriage was more traditional in our roles. quite honestly, this was how i sold myself upfront, before we even got married. i didn't really know how i would feel until i got here, with small children. and then i wanted a big ole' switcheroo.

jorge's job also lead towards me handling more things in our home, he worked VERY hard, long hours and NEVER complained.

this tripped me up, i was definitely carrying a big burden myself but felt selfish to complain or ask for help. i was drowning in my role of our family. i truly enjoyed mothering and taking care of our house but i needed a self and some help, it was all too much. jorge had always been a good father, but wasn't even aware of everything i did (care wise).

jack came and i could no longer do everything. as a result jorge and jack bonded quickly and things slowly started to change. i realized i wanted a partnership, or maybe it was just i didn't want to feel so overwhelmed. i wanted someone to just know what it was like to be the mother. but really, can anyone else ever know (except other mothers of course)?

the only way men can get close to knowing is to do be thrown into the day to day fire. some mother's fear this because they don't want that white shirt they just bought to be pink from a novice launderer. they just can't bear the thought of children in mismatched clothes and their husbands doing their daughter's hair.

while my husband always did these sorts of jobs to begin with he wasn't exactly an expert on taking care of the kids for more than like say 4-5 hours. when i would leave for my part-time job on sunday mornings, it was just a bachelor extravaganza. cold pizza for breakfast, lots of cartoons and the occasional wrestling match during commercials.

i beg, whined, nagged, pleaded for more but it seemed to fall on deaf ears. my husband was a good dad, he connected with the boys (the best player ever) and did the minimal to get by with me. he would do anything i asked but i was bitter i had to ask at all.

so mother's day would role around and boy was it loaded, i felt entitled to be highly appreciated due to some of our imbalances. at the same time i felt guilty knowing i had created this dynamic in the first place.

and then i can't explain how or why, but things started changing. it was right around jack's first birthday. i would come home from work and the guys had cleaned the house while i was gone, they had gone out for breakfast and played at the park. their oufits were horribly mismatched but it looked like their teeth had been brushed and their hair combed (at some point). my husband started thanking me for random and mundane things. he showered me with the compliments when i proudly announced the kitchen floor had been mopped. i begin to see how hard his job really is and tried to show my appreciation. i felt my heart becoming more sensitive and giving towards him.

this is just how he has always been, just when i couldn't be anymore exasperated and give up, the man changes over night. like this is how life has always been, to the point where he can't remember it was ever any other way. while this can drive a girl mildly crazy i have learned to receive the change joyfully and not obsess over the past.

the feminist in me knows it is closer to what it always should have been, the old traditionalist is singing the praises of a husband that cleans and does the laundry while reading books to the children. i'm sure the true me is somewhere in the middle.

so mother's day was sort of strange. i didn't feel nearly as needy, it felt like the gift to me was the partnership i wanted from my husband. the kind that shares burdens whatever they might be. i realized it wasn't so much about who does what but more about being in it together. as flawed as our marriage still is, i gotta give it to jorge- he keeps trying, changing, growing...which makes me want to do the same. so this mother's day was more of a marriage day of sorts, reflecting on all the things it takes to be family together- not just one person. (while secretly knowing that for centuries mother's have lead the way in showing the world how to love and care for one another... )

2005-04-07T14:18:00.000-07:00

when your house looks like this...

2005-04-07T14:17:00.000-07:00

the only thing left to do is have a silly string fight!

confesssions of a not-so-playfulmama

2005-04-07T09:46:00.000-07:00

after a brief lecture about truancy (in the big boy school) i let josiah stay home from school again yesterday. i know it's wrong but i had no energy to make myself go to school, thank god this is the pre-school trial run i keep telling myself. what am i going to do when i actually have to do this EVERY day, like 5 days in a row. somedays we are just having too much fun for school but i must admit this was not one of those days.

so this morning after a huge drama from jack over cutting his nursing session off sooner than he would have liked, i managed to get everyone ready, fed and out the door by 9:30am. i'd only be 15 minutes late, for me this is probably a record or something. i fill josiah's snack bag and throw it in his bag when i discover school papers sent home from god knows when.

it's a field trip...a baking adventure at nora's house. her family (all together) built a wood stove out the clay that was harvested from the land surrounding her house. this is also the same family that invited the parents to a letter writing party for amnesty international just a few weeks ago. oh my god. i can't stand nora's family today. how can they be so perfect?

nora's mother probably sends nora to school EVERY day and doesn't completely forget when it's her turn to help in the class.

all i can think is that my kids are on day two of tv marathons and how josiah cried his heart out when jorge left for work this morning. is that normal? i ease my mind by telling myself that jack's been sick, maybe excessive tv watching is somehow okay and that it's a good thing that josiah is so attached to jorge.

truth be told jorge is really the more playful parent. he can play for what seems like hours of dinosaur computer games, legos and he is an expert wrestler. who can compete with that?

lately, i've been just been ignoring my kids so i can curl up in my bed and read my new anne lamott book.

and then i pull myself out of my bad mother funk and decide to do a load of laundry. i find sour laundry from like 2 days ago, i swear to myself i'll follow through today. i wish i had a pint of ice cream to drown my awful motherness in, but i don't, so a left over half eaten frosty will have to do. and then i start to think about nora's family, a messy house and truancy. i start thinking about why we as mothers play the comparison game, why we measure and judge ourselves. how did we get to the place of uber/everything-mom being the goal?

in my heart, i really have no desire to be that perfect, everything mother but i do want to be more than i am. i have always wanted to be more than i am...

so i start to feel bad about nora's mom. i sometimes openly loathe her, but the truth is, i secretly love her. i love that she is doing so much to change our world and involving her kids in her passion and quests. i am proud that josiah goes to a school where these values are just like breathing. just part of everyday life, and i pray that fresh air goes deep into his lungs and fills his heart so he can expel the goodness back out on to the world.

i want be surrounded by people like nora's mother, because as much as they might annoy me, they make me want to be a better person. not to compete, but because they plant ideas in my mind, they draw the goodness out of me- the mom that can barely get her kids teeth brushed every day.

3 loads of laundry are done and maybe i'll get another chapter read- and maybe i'll even write a letter tonight and hand it to nora's mother when i drop josiah off at school 30 minutes late...

opa is very smart...

2005-03-26T07:23:00.000-08:00

we just returned from a week of cuban food (lots of it), lounging around, a night at the fair and spending time with my parents.

i haven't been to my childhood home in a few years now, my parents just keep traveling here on holidays so it's been awhile. i wasn't really prepared to go there. the house hasn't really changed, but the walls know such history and just being there made me feel nostalgic.

i started thinking about my mother and how she cried everytime we were leaving after a visit with my grandparents. she wasn't sure she'd see them again, in that house, that one she grew up in. it was like 15 years she cried like that...it seemed a little silly at the time but now i totally understand. it isn't that i think they will die anytime soon, it's just that being there reminded me that they will die someday.

the sweet look on their faces as we drove away, i etched it deep in my mind- like those moments in time that you never want to forget because they seem to encompass all the love you feel for each other.

even sweeter, is realizing your kids have their own relationship with your parents. my parents are REALLY good grandparents, they know how to play with little children. they are kind and patient, and delight in them fully. josiah was so taken with my dad, it was healing for me to watch them together. like whatever our relationship lacked is being made up in the expression of love on my children. i could see through watching them together how he has always felt about me, whether he was always there to express it or not. it's taken me a long time to see this.

my boys relished in the gentle instruction of their opa. "mama, you know opa is very smart." josiah said as we left. "he knows about all kind of stuff."

i just felt wise in the knowledge of his love. the love of both my parents...their deep desire to love us the best they knew how and with everything they are. this transcends any mistakes they might have made. i understand it more and more as i go along in my parenting. i hope my kids know someday, despite screwing them up, how deeply i love them...

the contender

2005-03-13T18:10:00.000-08:00

i will have to admit, i really love reality (or not that real) television. my dear husband, not so much, but he dutifully tivo's things for me as an act of pure love. surprisingly, he was very interested in watching the contender and of course it took very little convincing for me to add yet another show to my repertoire.

what strikes me about this show is the women and their strength. it seems most of the men that were in serious relationships drew strength from these very supportive women.

jorge and i laughed tonight as the young achmed was not humbled (in his mind) by his loss. his girlfriend however, looked less than thrilled. all i could imagine was kelly preston in jerry maguire, "you're not a loser!". that dude is so dumped...

but when that woman in the interview said that supporting and believing in each other no matter what is just being part of a team, i cried like a baby. i so want to be a team in my marriage, i so hope those men are supporting those women when it's their turn to fight. whatever their fight may be.

today, i feel like i am fighting my mind. my worry, the unrest in my heart about this pregnancy. i really can't tell why i feel this way, other than to say that i am probably royally fucked up in the head. i think i'm have flashbacks, the last time i traveled this early in a pregnancy i had a miscarriage scare. i moved up my midwife appointment to ease my mind. i guess i am my own contender tonight....

mean girls

2005-03-11T16:15:00.000-08:00

so jorge and i saw mean girls a few weeks ago and then jen and i watched it together last saturday. i really thought that stuff just happened in high school but after this week of playgroup drama and the live journal fiasco i have witnessed a new level of mean-ness.

it's amazing to me how women can be so incredibly supportive and at other times be so hurtful. i gotta say, as a girl, i have thought mean, snarky thoughts. i've had strong opinions in my head, those of self-righteousness and judgment. and then the second i get to know that person better or see a vulnerable side, i feel horrible. like such a jerk. but maybe that is part of the problem. it's hard to be vulnerable, it's our humanness that will connect us in the end. but to be really human we must open ourselves up, and who knows which mean girls are lurking in the shadows.

so the burn book came out, and it was so much worse than anyone could have imagined. the community and support starts to feel like a lie. there is no trust and barely a hope that anything left can be revived. everybody kinda looks at each other wondering where do we go from here? and whether they can admit it or not, it's high school all over again, which ever side you were on. only there is no adult to come in and do silly exercises with you to show you the error of your ways. people are purely reacting- the knee jerk kind.

so eventually after some time, it goes back to the vulnerability. it's the only thing that can save you in the end. someone will say how they really felt when all this happened, how it hurt their heart, maybe even their soul. the humanness breaks open once again and allows the ointment of forgiveness to do it's healing. i hope it doesn't take too long...

the bitches are back!

2005-02-24T07:57:00.000-08:00

the soulsister's are at it again....Sharing and Caring: For the Selfish Bastard in all of Us
is in the works. i figure, we better get cracking before i'm too pregnant to want to do it at all.
good times...

i think my hair is pregnant...

2005-02-24T07:35:00.000-08:00

i have that big hair already, it's thicker, fuller....a little soon don'tchya think?

2005-02-23T14:29:00.000-08:00

spiderman vs. doc-ock (aka. mom)

doc-ock...

2005-02-23T14:15:00.000-08:00

i am now affectionately referred to as doc-ock by my boys. neither of the boys have seen the movie but are still obsessed, i think it's the spiderman legos we have.
josiah will randomly yell- "doc-ock!!!!" and jack instantly comes running and holds my leg as tight as he can.

"you got doc-ock?" says josiah.

"yeah!" jack replies.
then there are loud whoops while both boys run away.

we see the tides changing, they are unifying. jack will not let us touch josiah's uneaten dinner,
"no, no mama...josiah"

and josiah totally freaks if anyone is mean to jack on the playground. there is a point where the sibling bond overtakes the world. nothing delights me more as i feel the same way about my own sisters. like if we had to, we could take on the world, and kick ass- the doc-ocks and all.

just sort of here...

2005-02-23T07:56:00.000-08:00

there are kind of mixed emotions about this pregnancy. the few people i've told are so shocked. i don't know if it is because of the timing or because it's number three.

i've had this cautious feeling since the beginning like it might not stick. i have no earthly idea why, i mean, i have symptoms- i'm tired, it hurts to nurse...no nausea, but it's still early. i'm not sure how my fitness will play in either. i've been pretty consistently working out for a year, cardio, free weights, i'm wondering if this is affecting how i feel.

and none of this has kept me from telling close friends and family. so i'm not sure where my own feelings of hesitation and caution are coming from. it's kind of got me down actually. i guess there isn't much to do except wait.

party of five...

2005-02-21T10:54:00.000-08:00

so it seems i'm pregnant. it feels unreal somehow, like i'm not sure it's really happening.

i waited a whole week to tell jorge, anyone that knows me is shocked i could keep such a secret for so long.

i'm just not great that way, i can keep other people's secrets but anything that involves just myself, forget it. the filter is barely there. i' d like to think it's a sweet, endearing, vulnerable quality about me, but it has gotten me into trouble in the past. this is also the reason i suck at poker. after the initial shock, jorge just had a silly grin on his face the rest of the night.

we have been joking for months about how awful it would be if we got pregnant right now.

"wow babe, we dodged that bullet this month..." ha,ha,ha...

"oh my god, dude, can you imagine if we got pregnant, that would suck." "i know, right?"

so you can imagine my hesitation to tell. but jorge reminded me this is how we do things, we aren't really planners, we like it to just sort of happen. and then of course, we wax poetic about how this really is the best timing ever and discuss trivial matters like what kind of car we should buy. the x-terra is just too small. i can see my husband's mind ticking, mixing the practical with the mushy. i am however, still cautious...pregnancy has always been a lonely time for me.

it brings back memories of hard times and experiences. the process sounds tiring and long but the idea of a baby sounds so right. we weren't complete, party of four only sounded right for a while. i know we always have been waiting for our party of five...

2005-02-12T16:08:00.000-08:00

my valentine's...

i heart valentine's day!

2005-02-12T15:29:00.000-08:00

as a young child, i can remember anticipating valentine's day. we would gather our valentines to share with our friends at school. my mom was always the room mother and she just kicked ass at parties. my mother taught me the fine art of making a party special, everyone included, even valentine's day that is traditionally for lovers became a family holiday.

as we got older and there were no more parties at school, we would come home to the brooklyn tabernacle choir blaring while my mother was singing her heart out and setting the table. a decorated table, a heart shaped meatloaf, macaroni and cheese, little paper bags taped to the wall with each person's name on it, little presents wrapped with curly ribbon on the hutch. my dad would come home with flowers and fine chocolates for each girl, we felt loved. those traditions created opportunities for kindness, something my parents were experts at.

in my own family of mostly boys, i often miss the "little things" that created the space and opportunity to love. jorge is leaving for las vegas and will be gone so we are having some of josiah's friends over for lunch. at the last minute i decided we really needed a family valentine's day too. it wouldn't be on par with ginny hammond's, but it was something.

jack helped me decorate by taping heart doilies to the door frames. josiah set the table with an odd assortment of things of old decorations he found. jorge helped the boys with their valentines- they weren't homemade- it was a mixture of star wars, the simpsons, and princess valentines that were several years old from a party we had before we had kids. the kids thought they were fantastic. we sat and exchanged valentines, the boys could barely wait to open the present sitting in the center of the table. no curly ribbon-a sherrie bobbins job for sure- but they didn't care.

it was a dvd, commercialism is flowing, but somehow the thought and sentiment is working it's way to the surface.

josiah's parting words before descending to the bedroom for movie watching-

"mom, i love you with my body, with my heart, with my soul."

"this is a nice valentine's huh?"

i heart valentine's day!

not feeling so lenty...

2005-02-10T05:42:00.000-08:00

i totally forgot that last night was ash wednesday. this is all sort of new for me, the liturgical stuff, i come from that non-denominational, evangelical, that'sforthecatholics kind of background.

last year we talked about lent with the kids, did some art, it was cool. this year i had already planned a valentine's party so we just went with that. it came so dog gone early this year too. what's up with that? easter is right around the corner man. but anyway, i worked all day on the party, i was very excited. i love wednesday night because i get to be with school age kids. i didn't realize how much i like that age range. i've worked with older kids in the past but i always felt more drawn to preschoolers.

i gotta say the night was a little disappointing. there were lots of toddlers and babies, because of ash wednesday. we also had a low turn out from the regulars- there is a family i love, they didn't come- they just make everything so much fun, a lot less party happening when they aren't around.

so in the midst of all this- lent, it's lent! i'm not ready for lent- i'm not even thinking about what i want to give up. i'm still playing catch up from christmas and the zine. my kids are sick again, maybe some painting will help. our poor lord, with all these slackers- thank god he loves the fuck-ups too...

finding my way back home...

2005-02-07T07:28:00.000-08:00

so sorry dear blog for neglecting you, you are a dear friend. just taking my thoughts, allowing me to express, no expectations...

i've been distracted by livejournal for the last few months. it is a place that has history for me. i just watch and read about other people's (mostly mothers) lives, their experiences, their struggles. the weird things is, i really like all the people individually, but as a collective whole it's a bad match for me. i get all insecure and frustrated, my kids are older, i care about different things, i hate the junior high feel sometimes. it's a good place for some probably, toxic for me. i have almost stopped writing completely, this is not good...it's hard enough for me to write anyway.

so this is a return, a return to art, to thinking outloud with out a need for response or community, at least for right now. some communities are not good for your soul, it's strange because community is such a positive word for me. mmmm...something to ponder.

ugh...my head hurts.

conversations with josiah...

2005-01-06T17:33:00.000-08:00

josiah trying to persuade me to play legos with him:

j- "mom, please play legos with me."
me- "you look like you are doin' a good job all by yourself."
j- "that's very nice of you mama, but i NEED a partner, you are my family, you know that?"
me- "okay..."

how could i possibly say no to that, this kid sure knows how to pour it on.

i'm trying to persuade josiah that maybe he, jorge and jack should go to church:
(this was during a parenting freak out moment when i was obsessing that they haven't had any traditional spiritual formation)

me- "you know, you could go worship in the big church with the other people. maybe go to class and learn about jesus stuff."

j- "mama i already went there once, i don't need to go anymore. i know about the jesus stuff already...that church doesn't know jesus"

so i guess church shopping is on the back burner for a few more weeks...

the rapture, new year's and poker...

2005-01-01T05:25:00.000-08:00

new year's is a fragile time of year for parents of small children, you still very clearly remember the years that you partied like a rockstar...except in my case.

the memories most vivid to me are those of my childhood new year's. there was always a big potluck dinner at the church which was followed by like hours of "praying in the new year", this year for sure was the year our lord would probably return. this sort of talk always scared the bejesus out of me. and then on the way home you could hear the fireworks going off, surely this was just the beginning of the end of the world. god i hope i'm raptured....(sing a chorus- i wish we'd all been ready) *

so last night was a far cry from the old potluck days. we had some friends over to chill and watch movies. these are dear friends because they do not have children, they could be partying like rock stars....such kindness, i'll never understand it. sometimes i want to say, "ummm, are you sure you don't want to go out, it's NEW YEAR'S for gods'sake, do it. seriously man."
but the selfish bastard in me doesn't say a word because they make things so much more fun for a housebound girl like myself.

i anticipated a night of proselytizing garden state and a kiss at midnight from my true love but aaron had a different idea. he brought poker chips, need i say more?
you have to know i LOVE card games, except they make me a little crazy, like certifiable. a new level of cursing, a competitive monster, the intensity dialed up a few notches...all of this might i add, not so cool in poker. but i have always wanted to play so i was very excited. you know everyone was making fun of me writing down what beats what (a cheat sheet of sorts), but that little sheet got passed around quite a bit. and at the end of the night jorge and i were like a million dollars richer in pretend money, we kicked ass for first timers.

so this might be my new obsession. the same group of people are coming over next week for jack's second birthday, which i think has also just become a poker night. my sisters hopefully will be there, even better...the kids always disappear anyway. unless, of course, our lord returns first.

*none of this will make any sense if you did not grow up in evangelical christian world

garden state...

2004-12-30T15:30:00.000-08:00

i just love the art of film... the music, the photography, and the people relaying the story, it's all woven so closely together, each element relying on the other to compel, to move, to draw the feelings out of you.

garden state came out on dvd this week, this was the movie of the year for me, saved was a close second. it holds a special memory because i came home one night to find a ticket for the 9:30 showing on my kitchen table. it was one of those moments when you feel guilty for losing all hope that your family (i.e. husband) will ever be thoughtful. jorge knew i needed a break, i didn't ask, it was just offered, this brand of kindness touches me so deeply.

so i sat in the dark, by myself, with a box of raisinets and a diet coke, and soaked in every minute of this movie that i hear is now the anthem of my generation.

what is the anthem you ask? the message being that it is so far better to feel than to be numb, there is beauty in pain, in the breakdown...let's just say it's definitely an nf movie.
(for an explanation- http://www.personalitypage.com/four-prefs.html)
even further, how can we ever regret our mistakes and failures because don't they shape us into the people that we are, isn't the process the thing? isn't it about the journey? aren't we all just trying to find our way? we're all fucked up...

and then i wonder about myself. i feel almost out of place, from some other time. i don't want to make any mistakes, i fear them. i am so afraid to fail. i'm scared of that feeling like somehow i'm less than, not as good, not as smart, not as valuable. and then i slowly realize how much i want this lesson, the one my peers breathe in and out...

who am i measuring myself next to? who is judging me anyway? am i missing something great on the journey because i am too afraid to try? is there a soul who will walk with me and hold my hand?

i love this anthem, i love my generation. i want to feel, i want to experience it all, i want to try. but i mostly want to be okay with not being okay, with failing, finding the beauty in the breakdown...

chimney sweeps and other dreamy christmas happenings...

2004-12-02T14:43:00.000-08:00

(taken from http://soulsistersunite.com ) by me

well here we are on day 2, i feel the need to report on my christmas happenings.

right this very moment someone is cleaning my chimney so my christmas can be oh so more magical, complete with chesnuts roasting and all...i imagined the chimney sweep guy to be a little more like dick van dyke (a la mary poppins) in nature. you know, dancing on my roof, singing a spectacular musical number. i mean, it's a jolly holiday with you bert.

but alas, no dick, but a very nice kid in his 20's who looks tired and it's only 8:30am. i wish i had something in my kitchen to offer him, but even my pantry is bare. we've been too busy enjoying christmas to get to the stores.

"excuse me, ma'am, i'm afraid there are some minor cracks in your chimney lining, you all are in danger of carbon monoxide poisoning. the fireplace side of the flue is much better than the furnace side. the repairs will cost around $5000."

"umm, are you sure i can't use the fireplace just a little tiny bit? i mean we haven't died or anything yet right? i really need this fireplace for my christmas experience!"

he laughs and goes on to the particulars. i must say, i'm not sure what i'm more upset about, the $5000 or no fireplace this season...this sounds absurd i know, but it's how i feel. so i'm off to the store to buy like 8 carbon monoxide detectors and research the hell (i love you google) out of chimney liners because god knows we do not have 5 grand.

i wish i was mrs. banks, on the front lines of the suffrage movement, while bert and mary figured out my chimney problems with the children....supercalla my ass...

on a brighter note, in case you all are wondering....
andes creme de menthes are the new startlight mints, this might even replace my "m"azing peanut butter candy addiction.

musing with my lovah (page 11 of the zine) has made this christmas the best ever and we are only on day 2, lots of "projects" can sure make the season bright.

woodburning icons for your advent altar might take a little more skill than first anticipated. they ended up looking like a third grade project but josiah and i didn't seem to mind. art, it's all about the process.

josiah insisted that jorge take our baby jesus nativity book with him to work. i'm not really sure what that was about, one can only hope we aren't rearing a proselytizing fanatic. first it's christmas books, then it's tracts...i think maybe i've watched the movie saved one too many times this week.

so if anyone feels led, have a fire in your fireplace for me tonight...it would make me so happy to know you are having a oh so magical christmas.

2004-11-20T01:40:00.000-08:00

josiah and flipper

2004-11-16T12:56:00.000-08:00

dave lemen rocks!

soul sisters unite!!!!!

2004-11-15T13:18:00.000-08:00

so sorry to all three of you who read my secret blog that i seem to have gone missing. i have been completely and utterly obsessed with the organization of the zine (even to the point of having a knock down drag out over gmail vs. excel- so silly, i know).

but.....our zine is finally done!
for those of you that don't know my sister jen and i wrote a zine about christmas. technically, it's more of a book (75 pages). i have to say the collaboration amazed me. jen and i were like kim and ron from kim possible. (it's sad when your analogies come to the lastest cartoon.) but i think this might be the thing that has touched me the most. we work REALLY well together. the content flowed and so did the laughter. and just when it gets tense or weird, someone says how they feel to lift the conflict to a place where it can be worked out. i have felt deeply loved by jen through this whole process. good stuff...

we launched the website on thursday and by sunday we sold around hundred zines. in the middle of this madness i simply forgot to tell you all that this monumental experience happened. so very sorry, please don't feel like the redheaded stepchild, mkay?

so here is the link in all her glory-

http:www.soulsistersunite.com

hope you love it so much you just want to eat it up! hope it inspires you, hope it makes you laugh, hope it makes you cry, hope it is better than Cats.....or at least good bathroom reading!

much love and many thanks for your support!

your friend,
pache

mp3 madness...

2004-11-09T23:43:00.000-08:00

is it wrong to buy your 4 year old and his 2 year old brother an mp3 player? jorge brought me home one the other night as i have been eyeing his for quite some time now. josiah and jack became obsessed and have been fighting over mine ever since. i took jack to big lots, (shopping isn't one of his favorites) where he shopped the entire hour listening to the black eyed peas and trying to sing (i might add loudly) "let's get it started in here". his favorite part being the end- ya,ya,ya,ya,ya,ya,ya,yaaaaaa.

my crazy kids! i have to say this is the direct genetic influence of their father who is still and i guess always will be very hip when it comes to music and pop culture.

live peaceably with all...

2004-11-08T16:52:00.000-08:00

i was so down after the elections. all i could think was "how could this happen?". it all came down to "moral values". like war and preventing 2 people who love each other from marrying is moral? i know it sounds melodramatic but i was so sad that so many are against gay marriage. i just don't get it. it felt almost surreal like i'm in a time warp, like 1950. i pray my children in 20 years are horrified by the thought that we as a people were against basic civil liberties the same way we can't possibly understand the civil rights movement of the 50's and 60's for black americans. i'm just afraid we won't progress far enough by then. i am just saddened by it all. when will we all finally be accepted?

i must admit that i carry lots of issues about the religious right and the president, i tend to be a little harsh at times. i came from the religious right so i know i am much more free with my judgment on that particular group. then jorge and i had that difficult discussion, the one that exposed our different value systems. the can of worms was opened, and i can't really go back. it's hard when you face some real differences with someone you love deeply. the kind you know deep in your heart are there but you choose to not directly acknowledge because this love is messy. it requires your love to dig deeper and be stretched in a painful way. honesty is hard.

in the middle of all of this the zine was finally done. it was hard for me to celebrate, i just kept thinking, "how is this little zine going to change the world, it's just a silly little thing about christmas." i was really down...

jorge left for a business trip on thursday, we said goodbye but there was still so much angst
in my heart. i completely forgot about the taize service at church. i was asked to read scripture like a month ago. i was shuffling through the papers piled on my counter trying to find the information. we were late as usual, i had to drop the boys off before i went so i never even looked at the scripture until i got there. i entered the tiny chapel only lit with what felt like hundreds of candles, the church was built in 1852. it felt like holy ground, like a place where so many have laid their burdens. there was a call to worship and then a very meditative song and then i read. i started to read and said a little prayer i wouldn't cry.

"Let your love be genuine. Abhor what is evil; hold on to what is good.
Love each other deeply. Honor others more than yourselves.
Never let the fire in your heart go out. Keep it alive. Serve the Lord.
Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.
Contribute to the needs of the saints and seek to show hospitality.
Bless those who hurt you. Bless them, and do not curse them.
Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep.
Live in peace with one another. Do not be haughty, but associate with the lowly.
Don't be proud.
Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all.
If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all."

there were more songs, more scripture. the next scripture was about justice and more peace. i felt the undoing of my soul. i was being called to love the people who i really don't want to. the people i want to reject, the people who i think are so wrong. and then i started thinking about my job. i always feel so displaced, so proud. these aren't "my people", this is just my job.
what if they are? what if this is my call? part of me has been so rejecting of the idea because i have been seeking permanence. after talking with my mom, i realized maybe this is one stop on my journey. it is a journey afterall...don't we get stuck when we aren't willing to keep moving, keep learning, keep growing? i have hated church and all it represents for so many, i thought i left that place for good but i once again find myself in that little chapel with the candles, weeping, realizing i am being called to place my burdens and embrace these people and this place, if only for awhile. but it isn't just the church, it's my country. how can we change minds and hearts if we don't love? i don't know how exactly to even begin. i guess it is baby steps, and so far as it depends on me, living peaceably with all..

a brief history of taize

taize refers to an ecumenical community begun by brother roger in 1940 in a semi-abandoned village in burgandy, france. today tens of thousands of people visit the community each year to spend a week going to the roots of the christian faith. their worship is extremely calm, peaceful, meditative combination of prayer, silence, scripture reading and repetitive chant-like songs.

2004-11-04T14:23:00.000-08:00

from a happier day...